Page 117 of Our Pretty Darling Psycho
Every time my body moved against someone else’s it was a transaction—a performance bought, a seduction deployed, a weapon disguised as desire. Even my best memories of the pole are memories of being watched, of converting myself into spectacle for a paying room.
This is different in a way I don’t have language for.
No one is paying or watching.
He isn’t studying my technique or cataloguing my tells or appraising my worth.
He’s just holding me, badly in time with the music, because he wants to be close to me—and the wanting has no invoice attached.
I keep turning it over, hunting the catch the way I hunt everything, and there is simply no catch to find. The discovery is so foreign it makes my eyes sting for the second time tonight.
The chemistry between us thickens until it’s a physical thing, a current running where our bodies meet. His scent has goneheady and warm, that amber depth threaded now with the unmistakable note of an Alpha who wants.
My own rises to meet it—strawberries and dark ganache and that bright metallic edge—the two of us scenting each other in the dark like a conversation neither will say aloud.
“Why did you do it?” I ask, the question rising soft against his collarbone. “The pole. The flying. You could have funded your degrees a thousand respectable ways. Why this one? The one they sneered at.”
He’s quiet for a moment, our feet still moving, and when he answers his voice has shed its armor entirely.
“Because it was the only thing,” he says, “that was mine. My whole life was arranged for me before I could object to any of it—the path, the expectations, the future other people decided I would occupy. I was a thing being shaped toward a use, the way you were. And the pole was the one place where the only person who got to decide what my body did, what my future looked like, what I was for—was me.”
His hand tightens at my back.
“It’s the most vulnerable thing in the world, to be suspended in the air in front of strangers with nothing to catch you. And it was the first time in my life I chose my own vulnerability instead of having it forced on me. I controlled the fall. I built the future I wanted out of the thing they told me was beneath me. Everything I am now stands on that choice.”
And there it is—the root of him, handed to me plainly in the amber dark.
The control I read as coldness was never coldness. It was a man who had his agency stripped from him young and clawed it back one performance at a time, who learned that the only way to never be shaped by anyone again was to seize the shaping for himself.
He is not the opposite of me.
He is the same wound, healed in a different direction.
It explains everything I’d misfiled. Why a man who could fund his education a hundred quiet ways chose the loud, scorned, exposing one—because the point was never the money. The point was the choosing.
Why his entire adult life is a fortress of control so total it reads as absence of feeling—because control, for him, is not coldness; it’s the opposite of being a thing other people arrange.
And why he understood me the instant he laid eyes on me across a Blackthorn intake file.
He wasn’t reading a patient.
He was recognizing a fellow survivor of being shaped toward someone else’s use, a fellow reclaimer who turned the very thing meant to diminish her into the foundation she rebuilt herself upon.
He didn’t fall for my madness or my mind or my body. He fell for the reflection.
He looked at me and saw the one person alive who had walked his exact road in the dark and come out the other side still standing.
So I kiss him.
I rise onto my toes and press my mouth to his, and for a heartbeat he goes still with surprise—and then he kisses me back, slow and deep and unhurried, one hand sliding up to cradle the back of my skull as if I’m something precious enough to hold carefully even while being thoroughly claimed. He tastes of black tea and restraint and the particular sweetness of a man letting go of his own control on purpose.
The kiss deepens, his tongue stroking mine in a leisurely rhythm that lights every nerve I own, and then his hands find my waist and he walks me backward until my spine meets cool chrome.
The pole. Where else. He presses me against it, his big body caging mine, and in one effortless motion that reminds me exactly what those arms are capable of, he lifts me—hooks my thighs around his hips, takes my whole weight without breaking the kiss, holds me suspended between the steel and the heat of him as easily as he held me in the air all evening.
A spike of want goes through me so sharp it steals my breath.
“Tell me,” he murmurs against my lips, his forehead dropping to mine, his voice rough at the edges now in a way the doctor would never permit. “Do you dare see a future in this? With me. With the pack. A real one—houses and ordinary mornings and a name that isn’t running from anything. Do you let yourself want it?”
