Page 110 of Knight
“Do you, though?” Flynn asked. “Maybe you could get into the surgical residency here. If Dr. Rose is as good as you say she is…”
“She is.”
“Well, couldn’t you get everything you need here? We’d love to have you around.”
I chewed my lip. “Maybe.” I thought of Foley’s assessment of me. Did Dr. Rose feel the same? “I don’t know if they’d want me.”
“Of course they would!”
Ah, the unyielding faith of big brothers.
“I’ve worked hard on this plan,” I said. “I should probably stick to it. I’ll be here for the year, but I’ll have to move on when it’s done.”
“Right. Okay.” He sighed. “So, listen, about what happened to Knight?—”
“Flynn, I’m fine. Really. I saw that kind of thing in my ER rotations in Maple Grove all the time. If every split lip triggered me, I couldn’t do my job.”
“Well, that’s different, right? Those are strangers, and Knight is…not.”
“I was a little worried about him getting jumped again,” I admitted. “But he said the assholes wouldn’t be back for a while. Hopefully, we can find some sort of solution before then.”
“Yeah, hopefully,” he echoed, not sounding all that convinced. “Take care of him, okay? But take care of yourself, too. Seeing violence…I don’t care what you say, it has to bring up some memories.”
Maybe a few. The boot-shaped bruise on Knight’s ribs came to mind. My father loved to kick me. He’d stay away from my face—too revealing—and punch me in the gut, then kick me while I was down.
I regularly wore bruises on my torso and ass. All areas covered by clothes.
“I’m fine,” I said, working to keep my voice cheerful. “Don’t worry about me. But, uh, I should get back to work.”
“Come over soon,” Flynn said. “We’ll grab dinner. Bring Knight, too. I want to see you two together being all coupley.”
“It’s not?—”
“Serious,” he said. “I know, I know. Indulge me, anyway. I never got to meet any of your other boyfriends.”
Missing out on Tyler was no great loss. At least Knight would never hold my brother’s past against him. Or judge mine.
“All right. I’ll see what we can do.”
It wasn’t until I hung up that I realized I’d let Flynn get away with calling Knight my boyfriend. Even if we’d been serious, that word would seem all wrong for describing Knight.
He wasn’t aboyfriend.
That was too small a word. Too simple and mundane. He was my fire, maybe. A blazing hot sun to orbit.He was intensity and care and joy shining on me, chasing away my shadows.
My stomach turned at the thought of his bruises. They were nearly gone, and yet, they haunted me. What if it happened again? What if it was even worse? I wasn’t Flynn. I couldn’t protect him. Couldn’t save him the way Flynn had saved me, even if I wanted to. And I did. I would. In a heartbeat.
I was just too damn weak. Like that kid my father pummeled. Small and worthless and?—
I froze. What the hell was I doing? I wasn’t weak. Wasn’t worthless. Those were my father’s words. That was the internalized hate that had swallowed me as a teen. But he wasn’t here. He couldn’t hate me.
Only I could do that.
You’re dead. I refuse to give you power over me.
Maybe Knight’s assault had gotten to me more than I realized. Because I hadn’t heard my father’s voice whispering in my head for a long time. I’d worked long and hard to silence it, done years of therapy, focused on my achievements, on hitting my goals. If I was perfect, then he couldn’t hurt me.
But that had never been true, had it? It was just another toxic coping mechanism. I wasn’t perfect. Couldn’t be. And even if I was, it wouldn’t keep bad things from happening.
