Page 15 of As Long As You'll Have Me
“Miles, man, wake up.”
I gasp and sit up straight. My chest feels tight as my eyes try to adjust to light breaking into the bunkroom. I’d come to lay down after not getting much sleep last night after a rough house fire call. Everyone is okay and while the structure will need a lot of repairs, it’s still salvageable. Looking around, I find Carter standing over me looking concerned.
“What?” I pant. “What happened? What’s wrong? Is there an alarm?” My legs swing over the side of the bed and I feel the cool concrete floor under my feet. I don’t hear any chaos downstairs and the firehouse is unusually quiet for an active fire alert.
“No, dude, you were having a dream. You were mumbling in your sleep, it almost sounded like you were crying.” He sits on the bed next to me and studies me closely. “You okay?”
My hands come to rub my eyes only to realize I’m drenched in sweat. Using the bottom half of my shirt, I wipe the sweat away and roll my neck.
“I’m fine, just had a bad dream, that’s all.” When I push to my feet he matches my movement and blocks my way.
“Talk to me, man. I want to help you.” His voice is sincere and for once, he isn’t messing around or making a joke. This is a very rare side of Carter that you only get to see when he’s genuinely upset by something.
I force a tired smile. “I don’t need to talk. Like I said, I’m fine. It was just a bad dream. Now if you don’t mind, I’m going to go take a shower before we have a call come in.”
Stepping around him, I run my fingers through my hair, trying to calm my still racing heart. The dream felt so real. It felt like I was reliving that day over again. Like it was happening for the first time.
“You said his name,” Carter calls out before I reach the doorway. I turn to look at him, and find his face has fallen and his eyebrows are knit together in solemness. “That’s the first time I’ve heard you say his name since it happened.”
My eyes fall to the floor, guilt and shame making it impossible to look at him. He’s right, I haven’t said his name. Not out loud at least. Not since screaming it in the old burning factory as I tried to find him. It’stoo painful to speak aloud knowing that what happened to him had been my fault.
“Stop thinking like that.” My eyes shoot to my friend in confusion. It was as if he was inside my mind, listening to my thoughts. “I see it all over your face. You’re blaming yourself for what happened to Wes but?—”
“Carter, stop,” I bite, taking a defensive step towards him. I’m too tired to have it out with him right now and want nothing more than to go and wash away the dream.
“No, I won’t. You’ve been sulking around this place ever since it happened. Don’t get me wrong, you’re not normally ‘Mr. Sunshine’ but recently it’s like you’re even more doom and gloom than normal. You’re here before the sun looking like you’ve already been up for hours and then stomp around all day like you have a massive stick shoved up your ass.”
I can’t formulate a response so he fills the silence between us. “Even Coop and Ivy noticed something was wrong with you when we were at the house on Sunday. They asked about you when you went outside with Willow and Lola.”
“What did you tell them?” I sneer, scowling at him even more than before.
“Nothing. I didn’t have to,” he remarks defensively. “It’s all over your face. You’re making yourself miserable, man, it’s not healthy.”
My jaw clenches and I force a heavy breath out of my nose.
“We’re a family here, Miles. We have to have each other’s backs if we want to survive and right now it doesn’t feel like you have our backs. You’re so lost in your own mind that it feels like you aren’t even here anymore. Like you don’t even care.”
“How dare you say I don’t care?” A fresh rage burns in my chest. Stomping towards him, I feel my face twist into a scowl. “There is nothing I care about more than this company.”
He pushes the finger I’d pressed into his chest away and steps closer to me. We’re chest to chest now in the empty bunk room and I’m sure anyone who might walk in would think we’re about to throw fists. Having grown up together, I know it takes a lot more than an argument for us to get physical.
“Then fucking act like it.” He holds my glare and doesn’t falter. My fists are clenched at my sides and while I want to hit him, I know my anger isn’t about him. It’s about me. And what I let happen. “If you don’t, Wesley might not be the only one we lose this year.”
I want to grab him by the back of his shirt and wail on him as he walks away. To scream and curse him out for what he said. But I know that even if I did, it wouldn’t change anything. It wouldn’t change the fact that Wes is gone and his loss is entirely on me. That his wife is now a widow and his daughters will grow up without a father. That the men and women in our company will never be the same after suffering the loss of one of their own. Nothing I do will change the fact that he’s gone and never coming back.
And the worst part of that truth is that it’s all my fault and I’ll just have to live with that as best as I can.
9
HANNA
My alarm goes off bright and early like it always does and I reach over to turn it off. While I know I shouldn’t, I pull my phone into my bed and roll over, huddling under the covers and swiping the screen unlocked before opening my favorite social media app. While I pride myself on having a pretty balanced morning routine, the one red flag in it is my morning scroll. I know the impact of consuming social media first thing in the morning but no matter what I try, I can’t stop. My brain needs the dopamine hit first thing in the morning after going eight hours without it while I slept.I’m only human, I think to myself as the blue light illuminates my bedroom and burns my eyes first thing in the morning.
After the fifteen minutes I give myself, I stretch and roll out of bed, ready to officially start my day. Since it’s Thursday, I move through my workday routine which includes a quick workout at home, a shower, and then packing my lunch before heading to my office. Part of the reason I get up as early as I do is so I can get it all done. The other reason I like to get up early is because it makes me feel like Ican have a “slow morning” even though once my alarm goes off, it’s off to the races for me. I like to be in the office by eight and with it being just a few streets over from my apartment, I typically walk so long as the weather is alright. Taking a peek outside, I know it’s going to be the perfect day for a walk and maybe even an afternoon coffee.
Slipping into my workout set, I roll out my yoga mat in the center of my living room and push play on a YouTube workout video. Following the instructor, I squat, lunge, and curse my way through the ‘Apartment Friendly, No Jumping!’workout I picked out thinking it was going to be easier than it actually is. They’reneveras easy as the thumbnails make you think, but I still choose to do them anyway. After a shower and blow drying my hair, I twist it back into a massive oversized clip and check the clock. I have a few extra minutes after packing my lunch so I can make myself my own version of a honey vanilla latte to take to the office with me. Mid-espresso pull, my phone starts to buzz. Leaning over, I tap the screen and smile when I see it’s a message from Rae.
1 New Message: Rae
