Page 44 of Good at Being Alive
“He was incautious,” Theo counters. “He followed his heart, not caring about the consequences…and it’s his family who paid those consequences, in the end.”
The bread in my mouth turns into a solid lump. How many times did Jessie accuse me of not caring about the consequences? Would anything have changed if I’d been with them the day of the crash? Would I have made them even later than they were, late enough that we’d have missed the train entirely? Would I have persuaded my dad that we should get a car to the airport instead?
“You’re not incautious, Bex,” he says, somehow reading my thoughts. “You want toappearincautious—God knows why—but I’ve seen you think through too many things to believe you actually are. Although I’d prefer you not wear a dress like that when you’re going out alone.”
I could argue that a female should be able to wear whatever she wants, wherever she wants…but I’d already concluded it was a bad idea on the way here.
And I kind of like the fact that he’s noticed.
At the meal’s conclusion, we grab a cab, and when we arrive at my hotel, he climbs out and walks inside with me, though I’d assumed he’d go on with his evening.
“Oooh,” I say, “I guess you expect me to put out since you paid for dinner. That’s fair.”
His nostrils flare as he moves us toward the elevator. “Rebecca.”
I laugh. “I’m joking. It was good, but it was maybe a third-base dinner, not full-on intercourse.”
He sighs. “I’m just seeing you to the elevator. You were getting a little too much attention in that dress.”
My heart beats faster than it should. Why do I like it when he sounds possessive? It’s not as if it’s going to last.
I flutter my lashes as he hits the elevator button. “Is this like in the rom-coms where they’re pretending they’re together but he’s falling for her in real life? Are you going to give me our first off-camera kiss?”
“It wouldn’t be our first off-camera kiss,” he grunts.
I wave a dismissive hand as the doors open and I step inside. “That didn’t count. I attacked you. You didn’t even know what you were doing.”
“I knew what I was doing,” he says, sighing as the doors slide shut.
I fall back against the elevator wall, stunned, with my stomach lurching in the oddest way. A way that almost feels like hope.
Theo
I call my mother when Iget in. Today is Kieran’s birthday, and though I usually ignore the date and won’t mention the occasion now either, the sight of Bex in that large booth tonight, trying so hard to hold herself together and so alone in her grief, made me realize something: I’ve been leaving my mother alone in hers too. It was selfish. Yes, I’m furious at everyone who played a role in his death—including Kieran, for caring so little about how his actions would affect us—but I can’t punish her forit.
“I was just looking at that video you posted,” she says. “Your bride’s a lovely little thing, isn’t she?”
Lovely doesn’t begin to describe it. Bex lights up every room she enters. But it won’t do to say this to my mother, who’s clearly hoping I might just choose to remain married when it’s all said and done.
“Pretendbride, Mum. And I guess she’s okay.”
She laughs. “Well, I suppose that’s an improvement from what you said a few weeks ago. So, you’re getting on then? You must be, if you’re taking her to Bob Bob Ricard.”
Nothing I can say will dissuade my mother from seeing thisas a real romance, but I have to try, for both our sakes. “I had to. It was something she was supposed to do with her family and she was planning to go alone on her last night here. Her lack of logic is startling at times.”
My mother releases a wistful sigh. “I wish I’d known she was here. I could have taken the train down to meet her.”
God, what a disaster that would be. My mother would scoop Bex to her chest as if she were an orphaned baby. Even if she didn’t, Bex would be so charming even the most heartless fake in-law couldn’t resist her.
“Mum, don’t start convincing yourself she’s sticking around,” I warn. “I’ll barely see her again once the show’s done filming.”
I’m not sure if I’m saying this for her benefit or my own. Increasingly, I can’t imagine a time when Bex isn’t around.
“So today was all right, then?” I ask, swiftly changing the subject.
“It was rather nice, actually,” she says. “I went to Kieran’s grave, and then had lunch with Pen and Thomas.”
My jaw grinds. I don’t know how she can stand to be civil to Penelope, after what she did.Forgiveness isn’t for her,my mother has said before.It’s for me, so I can moveon.
