Page 224 of You've Got Hate Mail
“Ma’am, I think you need to take a step back,” the deputy says to my devil-in-law.
“Heath, get this—this—thispersonout of here, or so help me, I’ll have you right back in court, and this time, I’ll win,” the devil replies, ignoring the deputy.
“This is what Lavender will remember about you,” Cricket says. “That you threatened her dad. That you threatened me. That you made everyone miserable. You can still choose to do better. You can still decide?—”
“Shut the fuck up, you bitch,” my devil-in-law shrieks.
“Donotcall her names,” I snap.
Cricket’s grip on my arm tightens. “She can’t hurt me. It’s okay.” She glances at the deputy. “Are threats against the law?”
“Verifiable threats are indeed against the law, ma’am.” The deputy glances between all of us. “Threatening to sue someone is not against the law.”
“Is it a threat to say that I want to talk publicly about things I know to be true?” Cricket asks.
“Ma’am?”
“Like, if I went on the internet, where people know who I am because I’m one of the top five most-viral people of the year so far, and I said something like,I know a single dad who lost his wife after a tragic illness and he goes above and beyond to always put his daughter first to give her a safe home where she’s loved, and his mother-in-law reported him to the local police as a bad father with no actual proof, and she’s making his life hell, I could do that, right?” Cricket says.
“You couldnot,” the devil-in-law says.
“Cricket—” I say, her name coming out of me in a half gasp.
“No, I think that falls under free speech,” Cricket says, still holding me by her side. “And youdidreport him to the sheriff, or this nice deputy wouldn’t be here, right? Do you have proof that Heath’s been negligent? Do you have proof that he’s intentionally put her in danger?”
“A building fell down here,” my mother-in-law says.
“It didnotfall down. We had an internal, non-load-bearing wall collapse, and we’ve fixed the problem,” I say.
“There’s dangerous equipment—” my mother-in-law starts again.
“Kids grow up on farms all the time,” Cricket counters. “They’re taught farm safety, just as Lav’s being taught farm safety. Know what else she’s taught? Not to lie.”
“Are you calling me a liar?” my mother-in-law says.
“You’re certainly wasting public resources being here today.” Cricket looks at the deputy. “Could I say that publicly too, since it’s my opinion?”
My mother-in-law looks down her nose at my girlfriend. “I’ll sue you for everything you’re worth if you do.”
“Funny thing about suing a person is that when they’re broke, there’s nothing you can get,” Cricket replies with a smile. “Bring it, lady.Bring. It.Throw it all at me. Everything you’ve got. Because you know what? I have nothing left to lose.Nothing. Not money. Not my reputation. Not a job. I have nothing you can take from me, and I will use every resource, every contact, every bit of my notoriety to tellmyside of this story. I might even do it naked. You go viral faster when you’re naked.”
I’m not sure I’ve ever seen my mother-in-law sputter quite like this before. “I—I—I’ll have your home.”
“I don’t own a home.”
“I’ll tell your mother.”
“You should. She’d love you. You two could trade stories about how awful children and children-in-law are.”
My mother-in-law does one more thing I’ve never seen, and she goes red and speechless.
Cricket, though—Cricket’s not done. “Oh! Do you know what I just realized? I just realized that if you sued me for saying you’ve done shitty things to the father of your granddaughter, we’d have discovery, and I’d produce all of the emails and voicemails you’ve sent to Heath and all of the evidence from your court case against him—the one that you lost—and you’d be laughed out of the courtroom. And I believe you’ve already been told to stay the fuck out of Lav’s life for all of the trouble you already caused Heath?”
The deputy shifts a look at my mother-in-law. “That true?”
Fuck.
That’s the answer.
