Page 217 of You've Got Hate Mail
39
IT TRENDS WITH US
Heath
Rachelle sendsus home with four takeout containers that I don’t open until I have Cricket situated on my porch, overlooking the vineyard with chamomile tea in hand and a light blanket wrapped around her legs.
“Feeling better?” I ask her as I join her with our food spread out on plates.
Cheesecake. Brownie pie. Tres leches cake.
And onion rings.
I’m a fucking sucker for onion rings.
“I feel stupid,” she says quietly.
I put my deck chair as close to hers as I can get it and take her hand. “None of what happened was your fault. Not the first video. Not today either.”
“Itwasmy fault. I wasn’t—I didn’t—I’m the only person who made me make all of the decisions that led to me flashing the entire world.That’s my fault.”
“Cricket—”
“No, it is. I’m responsible for that. I did that to myself. And it’ll be with me for the rest of my life. Here. Outside here. Wherever.”
I want to slay dragons for her.
That’s who I am.
It’s who I’ve always been.
It’s who I was with Ava too, but with Ava—with Ava, I felt the obligation more than I felt the joy, and I felt likeIwasn’t enough all too often.
Likely my own fault.
Not entirely—caring for her while she was sick—that was hard, but I did it without resentment because it’s what you do for the people you love.
And I did love her.
We just weren’t right for each other.
Acknowledging that isn’t diminishing her memory. It’s honoring that truth and life are complicated.
And I still have my life to live.
I get to choose what I make of it.
What I choose is embracing every day with Cricket.
With her and Lav.
Keep finding that balance between meeting my obligations and responsibilities and letting myself be free to not worry that something else will imminently go wrong.
Trust that we’ll find solutions to problems.
Not let them weigh me down.
Not feel like I have to handle them on my own.
