Page 20 of A Castle in the Sky: Fern & Connor
Fern stood there a moment longer, fingers pressed to her temple, salty tears trickling into her throat yet again, while acknowledging that she had to go back inside. Connor would be waiting, and there was no hiding from the truth anymore.
Chapter 12
Fern dragged her feet all the way back to the ward.
Every step felt heavier than the last, like the corridor itself was conspiring to pull her in the opposite direction. She paused outside Coral's room, hand on the metal handle, eyes closed. Then she exhaled and pushed the door open.
Connor sat in the chair closest to the little table, elbows on his knees, head bowed as he stared at the drawings Coral had made that morning. All of them—the crooked people, the big heart, the fisherman's hat—were spread out carefully in front of him, as if he were trying to memorise every stroke of her crayons.
There were two cups of coffee on the table. One untouched, and one held loosely between his hands.
He looked up the moment she stepped in, as if caught doing something wrong.
"I... I got you some coffee," he said awkwardly, nudging the extra cup toward her. "It's black, just the way you like it."
Fern picked it up because her hands needed something to do. She took a sip and immediately winced as the bitter, burnt taste coated her tongue.
"Not the best," Connor murmured.
Fern didn't respond. She just stared down at the cup, the heat warming her palms but not quite reaching her frozen heart.
Her eyes were red-rimmed, lashes clumped from crying. She looked emptied out, like there wasn't a tear left in her.
"Papa said you wanted to talk to me," she said quietly. "So, talk."
Connor pressed both hands to his face for a moment before dropping them, as if silently begging for divine intervention, for the right words, for courage.
"This is... so hard," he said, voice like autumn leaves crushed underfoot. "I have kept it all inside me for so long… I don't… I don't know how to begin."
Fern lifted her eyes, no softness in them, no love. "Try."
He looked away, blankly staring at the wall while his Adam's apple bobbing. "If I had known how things would turn out… if I knew Coraline would be hurt," he started slowly, painfully, "I would have told you everything in the beginning. Maybe not when we were getting to know each other, but definitely before I asked you to be my girlfriend. But back then all I could think about was making you mine and only mine."
She didn't blink or offer him any emotion. Her face was stoic, as if preparing the worst.
"But we were new," he continued, "And it felt like... everything was falling into place. Like the first good thing I'd ever touched. And I didn't want to poison it with… with my ugly past."
Fern's jaw clenched.
"And then we moved in together," he said. "And it was still good. And I kept thinking, tomorrow, I'll tell her. Next week, I'll tell her. After we're settled, I'll tell her. After we're happy. After she's not stressed about her new company. After the baby. After... after... "
His voice wobbled, and he moved to stand next to the window .The trees were aflame with the various hues of autumn.
"And then it became a lie you couldn't take back," Fern said flatly.
Connor nodded, tears burning his eyes bright. "A lie by omission. Secrets I should have told you." He looked at her. "As soon as I knew what you were to me... I should have told you."
Fern held his gaze, still waiting.
Connor inhaled shakily, bracing himself because the next words would fracture open the darkest corners of his life.
"Fern," he whispered, " No more hiding."
"Then start," she said. "And don't leave anything out."
He swallowed, rubbed his palms on his jeans, and finally began. "Alright, I'll start from the beginning."
His knee bounced once. He forced it still.
