Page 94 of Til Death
“So was Daddy telling the truth? Every time you went out of town you were with a man? You were cheating on him your whole marriage?”
“I never wanted to marry your father nor did I want to be a mother, but once my father learned of my pregnancy, he forced me to marry your father. He was just supposed to be a good time and unfortunately our carelessness ended in pregnancy.” A small smile formed on her face, but it was anything but pleasant, more so full of pity.
Heaviness weighed in my stomach. It was a hard pill to swallow knowing neither of my parents truly wanted me. Subconsciously, my hand went to my stomach. Nothing about my mother screamed nurturing. She might not see it, but she was just like my dad. Both were self-centered and didn’t carewho got stepped on to get their way. Dread built in my chest. Loneliness and abandonment was all I’d known my whole life. My mom’s words shouldn’t bother me because deep down I knew neither of my parents truly loved me. Neither ever spoke those words to me or each other if I was being honest. My whole life they had been too invested in their own lives to pay any attention to their daughter who was spiraling just to get noticed a little by either of them.
“Xylina, dear.” She stepped forward and placed her hand on my shoulder. “Listen to your mother, as my daughter, you were blessed with beauty and it’s only right that you use it to your advantage. As long as you keep up your appearance and keep that husband of yours’ attention by any means necessary, you’re set for life.”
I swallowed hard. “If I were to have a baby, I hope they never feel like you and my father made me feel.”
She laughed. It was like nails on a chalkboard. She patted my shoulder and stepped back. “Please, Xylina, seriously. It’s like there’s not even a brain in that pretty head of yours. Kids are a headache. They make you sick and fat. Babies cry and try to steal your beauty. It’s a hassle you don’t want. I had to get a whole tummy tuck, breast lift, and lipo after having you. Trust me, it’s not worth it.”
Sadly, I knew she was serious. My mom hardly said things she didn’t mean. My whole life she had been direct in what she said and didn’t care who she offended. With all brothers and being the youngest girl, she was spoiled rotten by my grandparents and her brothers. It was no wonder that she believed her words to be true.
Mom pulled her phone out. “Anyway, I need to go. Robert is waiting for me and I’m running behind.” She turned and proceeded to walk off.
“I’m having a baby!” I called out after her. She stopped but didn’t turn around. “And when it’s born, I’ll make sure it knows how much I love it. I’ll never make it feel unwanted or lonely. And to my child, you and Daddy will be dead in their eyes. I’ll finally have a real family.”
Mom snorted. “Such a foolish girl. You got that from your father.” She glanced over her shoulder at me. “You are your mother’s child, Xylina. Being a mother just isn’t in our blood. Save that child and yourself and give up that thought and become a kept wife instead.”
Not giving me a chance to respond, she continued to walk off.
Savannah walked up behind me and said, “Hey, did they not have the romper in my size? You’re taking forever.”
I couldn’t find words to answer her. My mom’s words stuck in my head. I worried that maybe she was right. I never had a real mother and had no example of how to be one. There were a few nannies growing up that could be counted as a stand-in, but I was too much of a brat back then to appreciate it. Then there was Yosiah; he didn’t want this baby. By the way he treated me throughout our whole marriage, there was no guarantee he wouldn’t allow his resentment to trickle down to our child.
A lump formed in my throat.
I never even wanted to be a mother. In a lot of ways, Iwaslike my mom. Money and beauty had guided me my whole life. Without one or the other, I didn’t even know who I was. Bringing a child into the world would only make everyone unhappy. Maybe it was time to reconsider things before it was too late.
Itried not to let my disappointment show as I lay on the examination table while the doctor covered the probe with aprotective sheath then applied a lubricating gel. I had hope that Yosiah would show up at my appointment, but here I was, alone. He hadn’t spoken a word about it either. I saw that he had read the messages but never responded to any of them. In the end, it seemed if I went through with this pregnancy I would be dealing with things alone. Savannah offered to come for moral support, but I knew it was more out of pity. It was written all on her face. I quickly shut her down. I didn’t take pity or charity from anyone, even my best friend. Even if it hurt, I refused to let it show.
My mind had been all over the place since running into my mom. My spirit had been down and the only thing keeping me focused was my work with Simone. Normally, when I felt this low I would drown myself in alcohol, but since I was with child, I couldn’t do that. I had been trying to tell myself that I was nothing like either of my parents, but the more I did, the less convinced I became.
“This might be a bit uncomfortable,” Dr. Richards, my OB, mentioned. “I’m going to insert this to measure the fetus and see if we can hear the heartbeat. Take a deep breath for me.”
My eyes left my phone and went to her for a second before nodding. Soon as I felt pressure against my opening, I raised my eyes to the ceiling and did as she said.
Coming to this appointment made things real for me. A few times I’d told myself the test was a false positive. The nausea I had more often than I liked was caused by a bug I had caught and the tenderness in my breasts was just because of the sudden stimulation they had been getting lately. Hearing the doctor confirm it for me and now seeing my baby on the screen shattered the false reality I had created in my head.
“You said you believe you conceived in April, correct?”
“End of March, beginning of April. Yeah,” I muttered, snapping out my thoughts. My eyes stay locked on the ceiling. The sound of her clicking the machine caught my ears. “Yourbaby looks good, measuring at about one and a half centimeters, which is normal. Without knowing your exact conception date, I would say you’re about eight weeks. Just halfway through your first trimester. Want to hear the heartbeat?”
Swallowing hard, I nodded, still refusing to look at the screen. I had been thinking a lot about what my mom had said when I told her. I couldn’t bring myself to look at a baby whose life I’d probably already ruined before it was even born.
A few seconds later what sounded like a horse galloping filled the silence. “Heartbeat’s strong, measuring one sixty-five. Which is good.”
I zoned her out and she continued speaking. I should have just canceled the appointment. Hearing the heartbeat made me feel worse than I had before I arrived.
A knock on the door, then its opening sounded, I was so lost in my head that I didn’t realize who’d stepped into the room until I heard his voice.
“Oh good, I made it.” My head snapped to the side and my heart fluttered when my eyes landed on Yosiah. I hated how good he looked in his tailored suit. His hair was freshly cut and lined up, his goatee evenly shaped and neat. My husband was so sexy it caused between my legs to tingle just looking at him.
“You’re here?” I couldn’t hide my shock.
He slid his eyes down to me with a look I couldn’t decipher on his face.
“You must be Dad?” Dr. Richardson.
