Page 101 of Til Death
“When things with us started to shift and you started showing genuine interest in me, I pushed the plan of getting pregnant to the back of my mind, abandoning it altogether. I was happy to finally matter and be seen by someone important to me. I didn’t—” My words stumbled as my heart grew heavier in my chest. “I didn’t want to keep burdening you after we finally started to get along.”
Pressure built behind my eyes. My whole life I’d felt like a burden with my parents and now here I was again having thatsame feeling. What was wrong with me that the people closest to me who should have loved me loathed me so strongly?
Clearing my throat, I pushed a heavy breath through my nose. “You’re a good man, Yosiah, and I know that. Even if you hated the thought of having a kid with me, you wouldn’t tell me to get rid of it. I didn’t want to put that on you either, not when I made the choice to do this. So I was going to handle it and carry that weight alone.”
“You’re right. I would never ask you to abort my child, no matter how it was conceived.Butthat doesn’t mean I wanted you to do it in the first place.”
Yosiah released a long, exasperated sigh, removing his hand from my stomach and dragging it down his face.
This was what I wanted to avoid. I didn’t want to cause any more issues for him.
“It’s time we talk, Xylina.” Yosiah grabbed my hand, dragging me to my bed and nodding for me to take a seat.
My heart pounded in my ears as I climbed on my bed and folded my legs in front of me. Yosiah sat next to me and leaned forward, resting his face in his hands.
“I flushed those pills because I came here to tell you I wanted you to have this baby,” he started, surprising me. Lifting his head, he tilted it so he was facing me. “Things between us have been rocky from the beginning but I realize nothing will ever be resolved if we don’t sit and have a real conversation. So, you ready to talk like two adults?”
This version of Yosiah was what I was used to. The calm, patient, in control man in front of me. If he was ever troubled, he never displayed it and handled whatever it was with confidence.
Slowly, I bobbed my head up and down while fumbling with my hands in my lap. “First, and the most important question, do you want to have this baby? Don’t answer based on how youthinkIwould feel or what I want. I want to know whatyouwant.”
It was a valid question but one I struggled to answer right away. Since learning I was pregnant, I’d never actually taken time to think how I felt deep down about having a child. Every decision was made out of calculating desperation.
“I don’t know,” I answered honestly. My eyes dropped to my hands. “I never pictured myself being a mother. Truthfully, you and your mom were right when you said I was too selfish to be a mother. I think about the life I had, and even though I was given any and everything I wanted, I never had a mother or father. I know what that does to a child and how it leaves a hole inside you that refuses to heal or close. I don’t want that for my kid. If I turned out like my mom was, I would hate myself.”
“You won’t be like her,” he responded with certainty.
“You don’t know that.”
Yosiah reached out, placing his hand on my knee and squeezing. “I do because you’re not a heartless person, Xylina. You act and react based on your upbringing, but that doesn’t make you a bad person.”
“Doesn’t mean I’ll be a good mom either.”
“That’s true.” My heart sank when he removed his hand from my knee. “But I believe you can be one. And you won’t be alone. You’ll have me by your side helping you.”
“So you want me to have the baby?”
He nodded with a hint of a smile playing at his mouth. “I do. I felt attached to it when I saw it on the screen at your appointment. I wasn’t sure how to process how I felt seeing it, so I ran. I should have been by your side the whole time and it was wrong of me to leave how I did. I won’t do that again and going forward I’ll handle things better.”
Heat sparked in my stomach. The vines that felt like they had been wrapped around me started to loosen slightly.
“And you’re not just saying that? You really want me to keep it?”
“I do. At the end of the day I know the choice is yours, but I hope it’s one we could make together.”
“And if I decide to keep it, then what? What about us? Should I prepare to birth a child as a divorced woman?”
The words felt heavy leaving my mouth, but it was time I faced reality and asked the hard questions. I had been fooling myself for too long that everything would work out because I was arrogant and possibly overconfident that Yosiah would choose to stay with me.
I held my breath awaiting his response, telling myself that no matter what he said I would agree without a fight. Holding onto someone against their will was something I couldn’t do anymore.
“I can’t answer that right now,” he finally stated. “A couple of months ago, I could have said yeah with no hesitation, but as of right now, I’m not sure that’s what I want.”
A small speck of hope filled me. “We have months until the contract is over, so in that time let’s take it day by day. I can admit the past month I enjoyed our time together and I liked the person I was seeing. I want to get to know her more. Not the girl I first married, but the woman who took me on my birthday trip. Forget the contract right now.”
While it wasn’t a yes, it wasn’t a no either. I was used to people going along with what I wanted and giving into my demands with ease. Having to learn patience and trying not to bulldoze the answer I wanted was challenging but I was fighting against the whiny nag threatening to come out.
“Okay, I can do that. We’ll be dating then?”
