I don’t look at her.
Still humming.
I walk the rest of the hallway.
My legs are barely working.
I reach my room. I open the door. I walk inside.
I close the door.
I don’t lock it.
I’ve never locked this door.
I’m not going to lock it now.
I cross to the bathroom.
Italian marble. The rainfall head fixed high, the way this whole house is built for men taller than me.
I turn the water on. Hot. As hot as it goes.
I rip off his shirt. Throw it on the floor.
I step under the water.
It’s too hot. It burns.
I don’t care.
I grab the soap. I scrub.
My arms. My chest. My stomach. Where he was inside me.
Everywhere he touched.
I scrub harder.
My skin turns red.
I keep scrubbing.
I need him off me.
I need him gone.
I scrub until my skin is raw.
Until the water at my feet runs pink.
And I hum.
Tonkaya Ryabina.
The lullaby Yelena sang to me when I couldn’t sleep.
When I was small and the world was still safe.