Page 214 of Handsome Devil
Devi
That night, I ended up at Katie and Jesse’s house, half-watchingSchitt’s Creekbecause Catherine O’Hara was a goddess and there was nothing else on, according to me. I could never really enjoy a show, anyway, when I was in a mood.
I hadn’t gone into the office today, just worked remotely from one cafe after another between meetings. Dane didn’t go in, either. I hadn’t heard from him, but Suri told me he hadn’t been in all day.
I didn’t even know if we were really separating now or what.
I meant what I said when I walked out, though. If this was headed for divorce in a few short months, why put ourselves through this? Being all up in each other’s space all the time?
Risking all the miles of bullshit between us unraveling and finding ourselves getting attached to whatever truly lay beneath, for no reason, when there wasn’t any future there?
There was no reason for us to have to be together all the damn time. I was just fine on my own. I had Darrell glued to me wherever I went anyway, and it wasn’t like I was being tailed by paparazzi. No one even looked twice at me when I wasn’t with Dane.
And he was working out of the agency office while he was in town; we’d still see each other. The marriage would still look real. He could let me know when he had some event he needed me to talk him up at, like I did at the gala, and I would.
That was all he really needed me for anyway.
I could sleep here at night and no one would know. And if gossip ever started to spread that I wasn’t sleeping at his place, I’d just go back there for a day or two and sleep in the guest room. Whatever. Right now, the gossip was all tied up anyway; speculations on this morning’s unsavory accusations against Dane in the press were eclipsing the dwindling buzz about his sex tape and his sudden marriage.
I’d been watching it all unfold, and it already felt unreal, like it was happening to someone else’s life. This part was Dane’s life, not mine. If he needed me to say something on his behalf, stand up for him, he could say so. And I would. For three more months, I was still his wife, in the public eye.
So far, though, he hadn’t done that. No one had reached out to me for comment. At least, no one legit.
And I didn’t even want to talk to friends and family right now. The only person I’d spoken to this evening was Katie.
I lay on the giant sectional in her living room, alone, in the sheath dress I hadn’t changed out of yet, with my feet up on the ottoman, high heels on. I always wore heels, even to watch TV.
While Katie, Jesse and Madsen were away on tour, even Katie’s dog, Max, was away, staying at her sister’s place. I’d called Katie today and told her that Dane and I had a fight and I wanted to stay at her place. She told me I could get the key from her sister, gave me the security code, and here I was. I knew she’d let me stay for a night, or forever, whether she was out of town or not.
But at least I wasn’t totally alone.
Katie was with me. On the phone.
She was in New Zealand, watching TV while I did. We were barely even talking. Just… hanging out. And I tried to just savor this moment; the fact that we’d actually been able to connect for a bit on the phone when she was so far away. Focus on the light Canadian comedy vibes and let my troubles melt away. But I just couldn’t do it.
I didn’t like fighting with Dane.
When did that happen? I’d rather enjoyed fighting with him when he first muscled back into my life. I mean, other than the fact that doing so might’ve put my job in jeopardy…yeah. I loved fighting with him.
This was different, though. I didn’t care about how he felt then.
Now, I cared.
Was this what falling in love was like?
I’d never really fallen in love before. Crushes, sure. I’d lusted after men. I’d gotten attached to some men I’d dated, for a while, but not deeply.
I’d never been this upset about a guy not feeling the same way as I was starting to feel about him. Like, who cared? If he wasn’t into me, I had no need for him.
Dane was different.
Maybe he’d always been different.
Our relationship at the agency had started out as a battle zone. But now? We’d fought this morning, briefly—or at least, I’d fought with him—and everything felt wrong.
Fighting with him now felt like a losing battle. One neither of us could win.
If I won, he lost, and that wasn’t okay with me anymore.
