Page 208 of Hot Mess
Danica said nothing, just listened.
“I was touring with Dirty when we were together,” I went on, “and she thought my feelings for Dylan were, uh… conflicted, I guess.”
“Dylan?” she said, considering that. “Your best friend, Dylan?”
“Yeah. My best friend. And Summer was right. About my feelings for him. They’d crossed the line from friendship into something else. Summer told me she was afraid I was gonna fall in love with him and leave her. By the end, she just couldn’t believe that wasn’t gonna happen.”
Danica stared at me. “Didyou fall in love with him?”
I took a breath and let it out. “Yeah, I did. I mean not back then, exactly. But somewhere along the way.”
Her eyes changed. There was something there. But again, she didn’t look upset. It wasn’t hurt. It was more like… curiosity, maybe.
And compassion.
“Okay,” she said softly.
“You still with me here?”
“Yeah. Yeah, I’m with you. Go on.”
“Okay. The thing was, back then, I was in love with Summer for real. I would’ve stayed with her, but she broke up with me. It was mutual, in the end, but it happened because she wanted out. Afterwards, I told her I didn’t love her anymore, but that wasn’t true. When I had that breakup party, I was pretty crushed and I was in hardcore rebound mode. So anyway… for whatever fucking stupid reason, that day at the ski resort, I thought I was getting this vibe off Johnny all day that I really wasn’t. So I got him alone at some point, on purpose, in one of the hotel rooms, and I made a move. It didn’t go over so well.”
“Ashley… I’m sorry,” she said. “That… sucks.” She seemed genuinely sympathetic, which was not the response I would’ve expected.
Even from a girl this nice, I would’ve expected, at best, polite tolerance of this story.
But Danica actually seemed tocare.
I wasn’t even sure how to handle that.
“It’s okay.” I took a big swig of my beer and shook my head, remembering that fucked-up night. “Johnny didn’t get mad or anything. It was almost how nice he was about it, how overly sympathetic he was, that made it worse.”Kinda like you’re being right now.“You don’t seem to know Johnny O’s reputation, but he isn’t exactly world famous for being nice. He was definitely nice to me that night, though. I mean, he turned me down in the nicest way I think I’ve ever been turned down, and I left that room feeling like a bag of shit. It was something about the combo of the breakup and fucking up like that, I guess. I was embarrassed. I don’t get embarrassed so fucking easily, but I was embarrassed and feeling pretty fucking sorry for myself that night. Fact was, I’d just never had my heart smashed like that until Summer broke up with me. I didn’t know what the fuck to do with it other than go party ’til I blacked out, fuck whoever looked hot and inviting. Sounds pathetic saying that to you right now, but that’s the headspace I was in when I met your sister.”
Danica didn’t say anything, just nodded and took a little breath.
“Actually, that was kinda the same headspace I was in when I met you,” I told her.
She studied me, cocking her head. “You wanted to fuck me?”
“Yeah. That would’ve been a hell of a way to cap off my night.”
She smiled a bit.
“Seriously,” I said, “I was gross drunk that night. I probably would’ve just scared you away.”
“You kinda did.”
I cleared my throat. “I’ve, uh, lied to girlfriends before. I’m not gonna lie to you, Danica. I noticed Daniella right away, for sure, just like I noticed you. And I made a point of getting close to her. She was gorgeous, and in the state I was in she felt, I don’t know… magnetic. I wanted to be close to her. I wanted to fuck her, but now, meeting you, I’m really fucking glad I didn’t.”
“Yeah,” she said softly, “I’m glad, too. Like you have no idea.”
Actually, I had some idea. By now, I knew Danica wasn’t the kind of woman who’d touch me with a ten-foot pole if her sister had ever fucked me, no matter how long ago it was.
But the fact that I’d never fucked her sister wasn’t enough. Danica needed to know whatever I remembered about that night. She deserved to know. And she needed to hear it from me, which was why we were having this conversation.
I never wanted her to feel any kind of doubt about being with me because she was unsure of what really happened that night.
The way I saw it, I’d be a real fucking asshole if I left this story untold between us.
