Page 22 of Dirty Like Zane
Desire.
Fear.
Morefear.
I knew I was afraid to let myself fall forhim…
I knew I was afraid he’d already fallen forme.
I knew I wanted him… and that wanting was just never going tostop.
The only thing I didn’t know was what the hell I was going to do aboutit.
Chapter Four
Zane
After the Portland show,I headed straight out to my bus alone and told Shady not to let anyone in. Fuck meeting fans and fuck everyoneelse.
I was not in the fuckingmood.
I dropped onto one of the couches in the lounge, dug out my weed and rolled a fat joint. Then I sat back and let the green start to do itsthing…
I just needed to smoke, and think things over abit.
Like why the fuck was I so bent out of shape over another night of inconsequential fuck-ups?
Second show of the tour and I was definitely not feeling it. I’d lost count of the number of small fuck-ups tonight. I’d tripped and almost fallen on my face, for one. And I’d run into Matty countless times, almost knocking him down twice. Would’ve liked to blame that on the new guy, but wasn’t hisfault.
I was all motherfucking tense and out-of-body, not even fully conscious of where the hell I was. My body was on that stage, but my mind was somewhere the fuckelse.
Total lack ofcommitment.
Worst of all, I’d fucked up the words to “Road Back Home,” a song we’d been playing live for a fucking decade, and I did not do thatshit.
Tonight, I’d doneit.
Started singing the wrong fucking verse, in a song I knew by heart, upside-down and inside-out, in my sleep and fucking stoned. Stoned or not, when was the last time I’d fucked up the words to a Dirty songonstage?
I couldn’t remember it. Maybe back when I was drinking… eight yearsago?
Tonight, I’d done it in front of an entire arena filled withfans.
AndMaggie.
Yeah.Fuck.
I took a long, deep toke. That was what was up my ass,right?
FuckingMaggie.
I’d performed in front of her for almost eightyears.
I’d been famous as Dirty’s frontman for longer thanthat.
But I’d never been on tour with her while we were in this fucked-up relationship before. We’d never had this bullshit push-and-pull, kick-and-claw tension between us, this messed-up secret marriage shit that was screwing with myhead.
Straight up, I’d never worried what Maggie would think of my performance before. Sure, I’d probably always wanted to impress her. But this… this wasdifferent.
