Page 140 of Dirty Like Zane
“Grow up, Margery,” he snarled. “You know I’ve got the pills for myback.”
Right.The mysterious phantom back pain that had afflicted him for the last thirtyyears.
“I didn’t know that was still botheringyou.”
“Why’re you here?” he asked me, and I could tell that he seriously had no clue. I had no idea if he’d already forgotten about the whole Maxxi-leaking-shit-to-the-media thing or if he’d entirely missed how significant it was to me. But he definitely had no clue why I was still sittinghere.
Frankly, neither didI.
I stood up and got mypurse.
“I do want Zane to be happy,” I told him. “Maybe someday you’ll meet someone who’ll want that for you,too.”
He glanced up at me as Cookie ate a treat from his hand. “Did you meetCharmaine?”
I stared at him, searching his face.Jesus, he wasdrunk.
“Oh, yeah. She seems like a realkeeper.”
As I headed out to the front foyer, he called after me, “Tell Zane to give me a call,Maggie.”
“Sure,Dad.”
I’ll get right onthat.
If only he knew… that if Zane had come with me to have this conversation—which he’d wanted to do, but I’d talked him out of—he’d probably have cut off my dad’s balls already and fed them tohim.
I’d probably have lethim.
I wasn’t a little girl anymore, and I definitely saw Derek “Dizzy” Bowman for what he was—a womanizing, alcoholic narcissist who was much more in love with himself than he’d ever been with my mom, and who really didn’t give a crap about me. All I was was a footnote in his life, the mere fact of my existence a credit to his excellence as a humanbeing.
Yup, I’m a dad. Got a beautifuldaughter…
I was pretty sure a line like that had gotten him laid more times than I cared toknow.
As I walked out his front door, I knew I needed to let go of the hope that I was ever going to win his approval, much less his love. And I knew I shouldn’t have felt so hurt about it, or about the fact that his latest girlfriend had betrayed mytrust.
My need to be loved by a man who could probably never love me, who probably had no real capacity to love anyone but himself, was the most fucked-up ongoing disappointment in my life—and it was the hardest to reckonwith.
I really shouldn’t have needed my dad’s love anymore. I shouldn’t have wanted it. But I still did. I knew that painful truth, deepinside.
I wanted it, but I was never going to getit.
Because you couldn’t have something that didn’texist.
* * *
Iarrived backin Detroit late that night, exhausted, my emotions rubbed raw and wanting nothing more than to fall into Zane’s arms. I found him easily enough, in the lounge of the bar, which was closed for a private Dirty party. Brody and Jessa were with us again, Roni had also flown out, some other friends of the band had come down from Toronto and the place waspacked.
I’d said hello to Brody and a few other people before I spotted Zane. He was standing at the back of the room, talking with Dylan and some other guys I didn’tknow.
I made my way through the crowd toward them, and when Zane saw me his face lit right up. His eyes locked on mine and I felt that look all the way down deep. The butterflies swarmed, my heart swelled, and my shoulders softened withrelief.
About two seconds later, I sawher.
Dallas.
She was standing over at the bar with a few other girls, including Katie, and Jesse was standing nearby. And granted, Katie and Jesse had no reason to know about my bullshit drama with Dallas, or what an evil wench she was, but it really rubbed me the wrong way. Katie and Jesse were myfriends.
