Page 106 of Dirty Like Zane
Far fromit.
I saw him before and after every show, and I watched him sticking with the program, adhering to the schedule and the regime Brody and Talia and I had laid out for him. Staying away from the bars and the parties and thefans.
Staying away fromweed.
And I knew it couldn’t be easy. I knew he’d had some physical side effects, too; stomach pains and insomnia. Cravings,obviously.
Brody had a couple of doctors check in with Zane on the road, so his withdrawal was being properly monitored. The doctors had actually recommended a more gradual detox, but Zane had insisted on sticking with the cold-turkeything.
And he wassucceeding.
I would’ve known if he’d gotten high; Talia and I usually had an eye on him, and I would’ve seen it in his eyes. I would’ve smelled it. I would’ve felt it, and I would’ve known by the change in hismoods.
He definitely wasn’t getting high, and it was stunning how quickly I could see the changes inhim.
Without smoking up pretty much daily, like he’d been doing for so many years, he was more clearheaded. He was sharper and, as the peak of his withdrawal symptoms faded, he was way more even-keeled.
He was definitely morereasonable.
And he wasn’t asmoody.
But instead of dulling his edge, it made himshine.
He smiled easily, and it wasn’t a sly, calculating smile. He wasn’t laying on the charm. He wasn’t trying to charm anyone. He was justsmiling.
He laughed more,too.
But when he was close to me… he remained kind of reserved, if not anxious. His smiles were more tentative. He put his hands in his pockets and used few words, and usually moved on pretty quick. He didn’t seem to be avoiding me, exactly. But he definitely wasn’t lingering in myvicinity.
That wasnew.
I didn’t love it, but I wasn’t about to complain. I wasn’t going to put any kind of pressure on Zane right now, aboutanything.
So I let him set the tone and the direction and the duration of each conversation, eachinteraction.
And at the end of each night, when he gave me a quick hug and took off, I acceptedit.
For fifteen nights in arow.
Yes, Icounted.
On the sixteenth night, when he tried to let me go, I tightened my arms aroundhim.
We were standing in a restaurant near our hotel after dinner, while Jesse and Dylan took care of the bill. “Wait,” I whispered. And after a moment, he softened and continued the hug. He was wearing a leather jacket, and he smelled of leather and winter andZane.
Eventually, I let him go. He stood about a foot away from me with his hands buried in his pockets. “Good night,Maggie.”
“You’re going back to your room?” I askedhim.
“Yeah.”
It was late. We’d had a late dinner, and I knew a lot of our group was heading out for drinks after this. I wasn’t sure what Madison, Wisconsin had to offer in terms of night life, especially on a frigid February night, mid-week. But whatever there was to find out there, Dirty would findit.
I could’ve gone with them, but all I wanted to do was hang withZane.
Talk tohim.
Touchhim.
