Page 116 of Dirty Like Zane
“I don’t think that. You’ve been more than fair.Andyou’ve been hard on me. And you have reasons forthat.”
Her pretty eyes softened as she looked at me, and I fuckingmelted.
Fuck, but I wanted to kissher.
“It’s just that… it used to be the booze,” she said softly. “But then it became other things. You use pot, and you use women and sex instead of dealing with yourshit.”
“That’strue.”
She looked genuinely surprised that I wasn’t trying to deny it. That I actually gotit.
“Yeah,” she said softly. “It is. And maybe I’m the only one who really calls you onit.”
“That’s not true, believe me. Brody treads lightly. But Jude calls me on it. Jesse calls me on it. Rudy calls me on it, and Seth sure as fuck calls me on it. But I’ve never listened to any of them like I listen toyou.”
Maggie stared at me for moment, seeming to process that. Then she looked away. She stared at the floor for what felt like a fuckingeternity.
Then she shifted, turning her body toward me a little. She looked up into my eyes like whatever she had to say was going to behard.
I braced myself for whatever it was gonnabe.
Whatever shit she had to say to me, I knew I had to hearit.
“I don’t want to have this conversation with you in some heated moment when we fall into bed,” she said slowly. “So I’m telling you now. I know you said you want to wait a while before you get involved with someone, that Rudy advised you long ago to do that. And I respect that. But we’re already involved, Zane. You can’t deny that. We’ve been involved since the day wemet.”
I nodded. “I know,Maggie.”
Her gray eyes held mine. “So maybe we could work through this together. I mean, you told me we’d get through this together. On the first day of the tour, you came on my bus and that’s what you told me. So now I’m telling you the same thing rightback.”
Well, shit. She wasserious.
She really meantthat.
And hearing her say shit like that? Felt like I’d been waiting my entire life to hear Maggie say shit like that tome.
Did she even have any idea how much I loved her rightnow?
“I mean, if you want,” she went on. “If that works for you. No pressure. I guess what I’m trying to say is… um, I’m here for you.Damn.” She took a breath and started again. “This is hard for me, Zane. I’m not used to stepping back and letting someone else call theshots.”
“I know,Maggs.”
“Not when it comes to my personal life, anyway,” she said. “But… you’re a huge part of my personal life, and I know I can’t call the shots right now. Not with you. I can’t guide this and I can’t control it. I can set my personal limits and boundaries, but I can’t take control of the reigns of our relationship like a can your day-to-day band business. We both know there are some things that you need to deal with, and I can help you in some ways, but I can’t make it happen. I’ll tell you, honestly, this is a really uncomfortable place for me to be. But I know I have to step back. What you’re doing is even harder, way harder, and I respect the hell out of you for doing it. So I’m here for you. In whatever way you need me to be. As your friend. Or as more… when you’re ready forthat.”
I absorbed every word she said. I knew she meant every word of it. But… “I know you mean that,” I told her, “as long as I stay sober. But I won’t hold you to it if Idon’t.”
She shook her head. “I would never say that to you. I don’t want to put an ultimatum on you or that kind ofpressure.”
“It’s okay. You don’t have to say it. I knowit.”
She stared at me, and she looked really fucking sad. Like she wanted to argue that. But we both knew shecouldn’t.
“I’m sorry,” she said. “I love you, Zane. I’ll love you no matter what you do. I’ve always loved you.” Her voice dropped to a whisper on that last part, like it was hard for her tosay.
“I love you too, Maggs,” I said, the words heavy withemotion.
Andfuck… Right about now, I would’ve been reaching for a joint, if I could. Actuallyfeelingshit like this… I wasn’t used toit.
At least, not clean andsober.
