Page 149 of Dirty Like Jude
I knew he was talking aboutme.
“I know you were pushed around,” he said. “I saw your mom’s boyfriend shove you out that door. And right in front of Jessa.” He took a step closer to me and stopped. “Maybe there was worse abuse than that. Maybe you’ll tell me about it sometime. That’s up to you. But what I saw that day… it was enough to stay with me for the rest of my damn life. To shape how I saw you, what I thought about you and how I felt about you. But I still can’t imagine how it felt foryou.”
I was speechless. Totallystunned.
I had no idea he’d ever seen anything like that or knew a thing about what went on in my home. Of all the things I’d ever confided in him, that was not one ofthem.
“I don’t remember that,” I confessed. It wasn’t something I’d ever really talked about. But I was grown-up now; I could talk about it, with him. “Therewereother times. I don’t even remember that specific time, that’s how many times therewere.”
Yes, kids were abused. I was one of them. But the abuse was never severe. I rarely went to school with hidden bruises. Not all of my mom’s boyfriends were cruel to me. It didn’t affect me long-term. It didn’t inform my choices with men, the types of men I chose or how they treated me… And there were a million other excuses I made to convince myself that it wasn’t that bad, it didn’t matter, it didn’t mark me. I wasn’t eternally damaged. It was in thepast.
And yet, here wewere.
“You asked me if I ever lied to you,” he said. “Then you told me you weren’t afraid of me. When are you gonna stop lyin’ tome?”
I didn’t say anything. I didn’t even know how to answerthat.
He was right; I was totally fucking afraid of him… and what he could do tome.
“You’ve spent all your life tryin’ to prove to everyone around that you’re a tough girl. I know you’re strong, Roni. You don’t have to prove that tome.”
I saidnothing.
“Maybe you’ve just never let yourself consider that we could have a relationship where you don’t end up gettin’hurt.”
“Maybe,” I said, my voicesmall.
I knew I was getting hurt. No matter how this played out, I was getting hurt,right?
I knew he was leaving soon, that after the New Year’s Eve event I might never even see him again. That in the New Year he’d be leaving ontour.
That there would be other women forhim.
I’d always known that. His life was with the band, theMC.
But there would be no one else for me. I knew that by now; that he was the only man forme.
If I couldn’t have him, what then? A life of empty loves with the wrong men, my mom’s fucked uplife?
“Maybe you don’t have to try so hard to protect yourself fromme.”
Yeah. Maybe thattoo.
“Maybe you could let mein.”
I just stared athim.
“I’ve grown up,” he said. “Somewhat.”
“I knowthat.”
“I’m never gonna push you around, Roni, in anyway.”
“I know that, too.” My voice actually trembled. “But… don’t you know there are worse ways you can hurt me thanthat?”
He didn’t answerthat.
“That man who pushed me out the door?” I said. “I didn’t lovehim.”
