Page 116 of Dirty Like Jude
“I was wrong about you, Jude Grayson,” she said, and the tears started rolling down her face. “You weren’t falling in love with me. You never cared about me at all. You were just using me for a place to put your dick. Just like yourbrother.”
Then she turned and tookoff.
Chapter Nineteen
Roni
It was Saturday night,and I was spending the next few hours with a super cuteboy.
Baby Nick was all swaddled up in his blankie in my arms, and I was settling in to cuddle the hell out of him. Jessa’s date with Brody had gone so well two weeks ago—what with the marriage proposal and all the sex—they decided to have another one. So I was at their house, in the party room, rocking Nicky in the big, cozy glider rocking chair they’d put in so Jessa could comfortably nurse the baby in the middle of whatever party was goingon.
Jessa had left her Girl Time playlist quietly playing for us, which apparently put Nicky to sleep like nobody’s business. At the moment, we were rocking to Gwen Stefani, “4 In TheMorning.”
Anddamn, Jessa and her Girl Timemusic…
I wanted to know I was safe,too.
I wanted to have a really truelove.
I never wanted to have to give Judeup.
“I hear ya, Gwen. Sing it, girl,” I said softly, rocking baby Nick. He was warm, cuddly dead weight and I figured my arms would soon be asleep, but I didn’t much care. Looking into that tiny, serene, perfect little face, I felt all kinds of affection for Jessa’s babyboy.
I felt protective of him,too.
Jessa had mentioned getting a regular babysitter, maybe one night a month for now, so she and Brody could have a proper date. I’d immediately kiboshed that plan. As long as I had some notice and we could arrange it on a night I didn’t have an event, I told her I’d be happy to do it. It would only be a few hours at a time anyway, and honestly I didn’t mind the alone time with Nick. I wanted him to know his AuntieRoni.
You know, the coolaunt.
I was definitely a big fat load of envious, though, watching Jessa head out the door on Brody’s arm to have another romantic night with the man she loved—a man who loved her rightback.
While the man I loved wasn’t even talking tome.
Because I’d pushed himaway.
As usual, it wasn’t like I didn’t have other options for dates. I just didn’twantotheroptions.
My phone was constantly buzzing with oncoming messages from other men. But I never answered them anymore. For the first time, I really wasn’t interested in juggling a bunch of prospects, keeping them on the linejust incase.
Just like that first time Jude went away on tour… I felt like I was saving myself for him. Waiting for him to come back tome.
Really, I was no stranger to waiting… even if the man I was waiting for never cameback.
I tucked the little stuffed toy I’d given Nicky shortly after he was born—the purple monkey—into his blankie with him. One of my mom’s boyfriends, the only one I ever actually liked, had given it to me. After he’d left—or maybe my mom drove him away—I’d longed for him. I wanted him to comeback.
Sure, I’d probably idealized him in my mind. I knew this, but I didn’t even care. I needed a father figure, even if that father figure was a fantasy based on a real person who’d given me a glimpse of kindness, and I’d run withit.
He was the one who would one day come back and be a real father tome.
Of course, he never did, but at least I had thefantasy.
The purple monkey he’d left behind was a symbol of hope and that man’s kindness to me, however brief. It was the only tangible evidence I had from my youngest years that any sort of father figure had ever cared aboutme.
In my fantasies, the purple monkey was a talisman, a protective charm, purposely left behind to keep me safe by someone whocared.
I knew it was silly, even when I wasyoung.
But it still meant something tome.
