Page 63 of Dirty Like Jude
He also kissed in the most brutal, demanding, head-spinning way—but he wasn’t doing thatnow.
He was waiting, maybe. Waiting for me to kiss himback.
I didn’t. Instead I pretty muchfroze.
It wasn’t his fault. He didn’t know he had the world’s worst timing, that his brother had just screwed me in the kitchen and I didn’t want to be kissed by anyone right then. I knew he didn’t know about that, because if he knew, he wouldn’t be okay with it. I really wasn’t sure how Jude felt about me, but I knew he wouldn’t be okay withthat.
And he definitely wouldn’t be trying to kiss me rightnow.
He stopped and I drew a shaky breath, shook my head just a little…No.
He pulledaway.
His fire-and-brimstone eyes burned into me for aminute.
I wanted to say something, to… explain? To let him know that it wasn’t a forever no, just a right now no. But I didn’t know what tosay.
Sorry, your brother already hit that, and I’m not in themood?
I’d never felt such shame as I did right then, sitting there next to Jude, unable tospeak.
He looked away. He took a drag off the joint, tossed it down and crushed it with hisboot.
“Go home, Roni,” hesaid.
Then he went inside thehouse.
And since there was no way I was going back inside that house, I wenthome.
Soon after that party, Jessa’s momdied.
Jesse had planned to take guardianship of her; that’s what she always said. But when the time came, he was so busy with Dirty that it was decided he couldn’t provide a “stable home” for his sister. So Zane’s grandma, Dolly, got guardianship instead and Jessa moved in withher.
I didn’t mind; Dolly’s house was actually closer tomine.
Dirty brought in one more member, a rhythm guitarist and songwriter named Seth. Jessa told me that Seth had been more or less homeless, just kinda couch surfing, when Zane met him. He started crashing in Dolly’s garage, where the band rehearsed, on andoff.
Jessa had taken her mom’s death hard; I totally knew she had, even if she wouldn’t talk about it much. She wrote a lot, but she never let me read anything she wrote, either. She started spending a lot of time with Seth, hanging out with him in the garage, even when the rest of the band wasn’t there, and they started writing songstogether.
Then Dirty moved their stuff out of Dolly’s garage. They got a bigger, more professional rehearsal space, a room in a building that rented out to bands. They were playing more clubs, getting paid better, and starting to play original songs, not justcovers.
Everyone knew there was something special about thisband.
I went to as many shows as I could get into. I also hung out at rehearsals when Jessa brought me, and when I was there, I often sawJude.
Sometimes I sat with Jude, listening as the band practiced some new song. We talked about what we thought about the songs and applauded when required, went outside to smoke up together, and hungout.
Over time, we developed an easy, teasing banter that I came to crave. I looked forward to it. I looked forward to our momentstogether.
I thought he did,too.
On those days when I knew I was going down to the rehearsal space or going to some party or show where Dirty was playing, my footsteps got just that little bit lighter. Life seemed just that little bitbrighter.
Sometimes, at parties, Jude sought me out and hung out with me, talked to me. Other times, he didn’t come over, but he always said hi. He always acknowledged me. He always seemed to have an eye on me. He even smiled at me,sometimes.
So unlike hisbrother.
Piper had gone back to forgetting my existence, about two seconds after he’d pulledout.
