Page 34 of Dirty Like Seth
“I must have,” I said,finally.
But the truth of it, the truth I was most ashamed of, was that I didn’t whollyremember.
Chapter Nine
Elle
As I wentup to bed after talking with Seth, just before dawn, I felt kinda better, in a way. And yet… worse,somehow.
There was just so much pain in Seth’s past—in all of our pasts, when it came to him, and Jessa—that I understood why the guys just wanted it to go away. Why they wanted Seth to just goaway.
They believed he’d hurt their girl, their collective little sister, and they couldn’t stand for that. They felt betrayed by him. And that betrayal hurt all the more because they’d lovedhim.
Maybe, deep down, they still lovedhim.
After sitting with him tonight and talking with him, looking into his eyes and listening to him talk, I knew I stilldid.
I wandered into my bedroom, the room where I always slept when I stayed here—the largest of the guest bedrooms, overlooking the cliffs and the ocean beyond. I tossed my phone on the bed, more or less dreading actually looking at it, and headed into the en suite bathroom. I took a hot shower, trying to let the tension of the day roll off, and thought through what Seth had toldme.
After hearing what he had to say about Jessa, I could understand that Brody or even Jesse wouldn’t want to hear it. But I still wasn’t sure what to believemyself.
I didn’t feel like Seth was lying tome.
But I’d learned, living in and out of the spotlight, existing in two somewhat separate but parallel realities—my rock star life and myreallife—that there were two sides to everystory.
And one side didn’t necessarily have to be wrong for the other side to beright.
Take me andJesse.
We were both in that relationship together. But I was in love. Hewasn’t.
Our breakup, for me, was heartrending. For him, it was probably more of arelief.
There were definitely two sides to that story, and on the best of days, they didn’tgel.
After my shower, I slipped into a robe, dried my hair, and forced myself to check my phone. Predictably, calls had started rolling in from everyone and their dog. By now, they all knew Seth was here with me. Probably Jude, who would’ve heard about it from Flynn, had told someone—Jesse?—and the news had spread, like it did in the Dirty world—like a fucking virus. And they all wanted to know what the hell was goingon.
Jesse included. But I didn’t call himback.
Brody had called, three times, but I didn’t call him back,either.
What the hell would Isay?
Jude himself had checked in, and I texted back to let him know everything was fine. Flynn would be keeping in contact with him, but I knew he’d appreciate hearing back from me personally. The last thing I needed was to sound the alarms with Jude and have him flying out here to raise hell. But I did have one question forhim.
Me:Why did you let Seth into theaudition?
His response came within aminute.
Jude:Because heasked.
A typical Juderesponse.
I noticed, though, that he didn’t ask me why I’d brought Seth toHawaii.
He didn’t ask me anything atall.
Jude and I weren’t exactly close enough that I felt the urge to dig any deeper… or explain myself. Best not to crack open that can of worms over text message. Keeping the members of Dirty safe and secure was Jude’s job; a job he’d done, and done well, for a decade. But he was also Jesse’s best friend, which meant I wasn’t all that comfortable having him all up in my personalbusiness.
