Page 96 of Dirty Like Seth
“He’s not here right now,” was heranswer.
I didn’t love it. It didn’t tell me what I wanted toknow.
Jesse was married now. Happily, from what I could tell. But if there was any possibility that Elle still wanted to be with him, I needed to know it. So I could figure out how to deal withit.
I knew I couldn’t exactly hold it against her; if my recovery had taught me anything, it was that everyone had a right to their feelings. Actually allowing yourself to feel shit and facing the shit you felt was one of those key things you had to do when you lived sober. That meant Elle had the right to feel however she felt, and so did I. If she still loved Jesse… I didn’t know how I’d handle it. But I’d have to fucking try, no matter how I felt about it—whether we were going to be friends for the rest of our lives, or somethingmore.
“I will always care for Jesse,” she went on, maybe sensing I needed a little more from her on the subject. “But no, I’m not in love with him anymore. Or in love with the idea of him loving me. In the end, I couldn’t make him dothat.”
I took thatin.
Clearly, she’d loved him, but I believed her that it was over. It just kinda blew me away, though, that he hadn’t loved herback.
“What about Jessa?” she askedme.
I considered that, shaking my head a little. No, I really couldn’t blame her for falling for Jesse, when I’d fallen for his sister. “The Mayes family has some kinda magic,huh?”
A small, surprised laugh burst from her. “Yeah. Beautifulassholes?”
I smiled alittle.
“You respectedher,” Elle said, growing serious again. “She was part of the band, and you still got involved withher.”
“Yeah. But Jessa was fucked up, Elle,” I said. “Not like me, but she was lost, and she’d grown up without money, just like me. She had no parents, just like me. She didn’t intimidate me like youdid.”
Elle rolled onto her side, facing me. “You’re seriously telling me that my rule kept you from flirting withme?”
“No, I’m saying your rule gave me a convenient excuse not to try to flirt with you and get shot the hell down.” She still looked skeptical at that. “You were the platinum goddess of rock, Elle. I was an orphan and ajunkie.”
“And a fucking rock star,” she said. “I shared the stage with you. I saw the fans all over you. You could’ve had anygirl.”
“Didn’t want any girl,” Isaid.
Her steely gray eyes studied me, searching for signs of bullshit. “You’reserious?”
I couldn’t have been moreserious.
“Elle… you had everything. Nice family. You were gorgeous. Talented. And then you had the fame, to top it all off. Your legions of adoring fans. You had the keys to the fucking empire. Why would you open that door to a guy likeme?”
She just stared atme.
Then she kissedme.
I kissed her back, and soon we were going at it, all passion and hunger, like we were trying to make up for all the years we’d missed out on when maybe we could’ve been doing this… and at the same time, like we both knew that any given moment might be our last moment likethis.
I knew that I did not want this to end. But I also knew that what we were doing, in secret… it wasn’tright.
It would hurt Dirty, again, and I didn’t want to do that. It would hurt Elle, and I couldn’t stand to dothat.
But I still could not put the brakeson.
I knew I should stop fucking her. Give her some time to figure shit out, to decide if she wanted to tell the band about this or not, if she really wanted this complication in her life ornot.
But every time she touched me, wrapped her body around me, looked at me like she was doing now—like she fucking wanted me,now, with that storm brewing in her eyes—as she pushed me onto my back and slid on top of me… Elle, a woman who could’ve had her pick of men… but she wantedme… I lost any ability to resist this thing that kept building between us like a tsunami, unstoppable, and smashing the world to senseless rubble aroundus.
I wanted to be the kind of man who could walk away from it, who could step aside and wait it out, see where things landed with the band and step back in, if and when it was right. When it was safe for her, and everything was on the up andup.
But I just wasn’t that kind ofman.
