Page 47 of Dirty Like Seth
So I left it atthat.
Instead, I asked him about what he’d been doing, musically. I had some idea about that, too, but notmuch.
He told me about the various other bands he’d played with, none of them lasting. Right up until the day when he ran into Zane on the beach in L.A., and Zane asked him to jam… which led to reuniting with Dirty thisyear.
“He was excited about reconnecting with you,” I told him, remembering the call I’d gotten from Zane. “I think he was relieved, thrilled to see with his own eyes what we’d all heard about you, but been afraid to trust. That you were clean. That you were doingwell.”
Seth’s gaze held mine in the firelight. “And how did you feel aboutthat?”
And I told him, honestly, “Happy. Actually, it was the first time I felt truly happy this year.” I pulled my legs up into my chair, hugging my knees, remembering that feeling. “January twenty-second. That was a goodday.”
“That was just after Jesse’s wedding,” henoted.
“Yeah.”
He was studying me, and I felt the male appreciation in his gaze as it skimmed over my legs. It wasn’t a forward thing. More of an involuntary thing, like he couldn’t help noticing my bareskin.
And I wondered, had Seth ever looked at me like that, in the past? And if so, why hadn’t Inoticed?
“What was it like watching him marry someone else?” he askedme.
I cringed a little, because it still wasn’t my favoritesubject.
“What was it like getting kicked out of Dirty,” I asked him, “and watching us play your songs withoutyou?”
“Honestly?”
“Yes.”
“It was heartbreaking,” hesaid.
Yeah. Even as I felt the blow of his words, I knew thatmuch.
Because that’s how it would’ve felt for me, if I was in hisplace.
“It must’ve been terrifying,” I ventured, because that’s also how I would’ve felt. “I mean… you had us. You had management, lawyers and accountants, security, a crew, andthen…”
“And then, overnight,” he finished for me, “I had nothing. Nobody would talk tome.”
That part, I couldn’t even imagine. I didn’t wantto.
It still flooded me withguilt.
“I felt alone, for a long time,” he said. “Abandoned. I had no idea what I was gonna do. Dirty was everything to me. The band was the only place I’d ever felt like I belonged. It felt like I’d losteverything.”
“I can’t imagine,” was all I could say. I still felt deep, deep regret over the whole thing, but I knew he wasn’t telling me these things to make me feel bad. He was just being honest, which was what I’d asked him to do. “But I’m glad you kept playing with otherbands.”
“Yeah. I kept playing,” he said. “But none of them could replace what I had with Dirty. So I never stuck around for long. I always found some excuse to leave, or to make them ask me to leave. I think I was holding out for Dirty, even if I didn’t want to admit to myself that’s what I wasdoing.”
“You still wanted to play with us? All that time?” That surprised me, actually. “After we’d firedyou?”
“Shit, yeah,” he said. “For years I wanted to do some kind of reunion with you guys. I became kinda obsessed with it. I tried reaching out to Brody, to Zane, to all of you. I just wanted to have my moment, you know? To play with you again, even just once, to prove to all of you, to the fans, and to myself, maybe, that I wasn’t just some pathetic junkie. I wasn’t a fuck-up. I hadn’t destroyed the best thing I had going in my life, to the point of no return. That I could still be a part of it again. But no one would have that conversation with me. Zane was the only one who talked to me at all, and he wouldn’t go there. So at some point, a few years back, I stopped asking. I figured you guys would come back to me, when you were ready. When the time was right.” He shook his head. “I convinced myself that had to be the reason why you never really replaced me. Because you were still holding the spot forme.”
“Maybe wewere.”
He didn’t say anything to that, just stared at me. I wasn’t sure if I’d shocked him or what. Maybe I’d kinda shockedmyself.
But it was trueenough.
