Page 43 of Dirty Like Seth
Because of course, there was nothing to forgive. It wasn’t like he was mad at me for what happened between us, for our relationship not working out. At first, I was kind of confused about that. How could I make amends with him if there was nothing to forgive? Maybe I magically wanted something to change, to make things better betweenus.
But that wasn’t going to happenovernight.
We’d shared an intimacy that, in the end, hadn’t worked for us, and now we had to live withit.
His way of living with it was to move on—bigtime.
For me, it had taken a lotlonger.
But as time passed, I’d come to the realization that I actually hadn’t done anything wrong in that relationship. I was just me, and that wasn’t what hewanted.
I didn’t need anyone to forgive me forthat.
And I didn’t need to forgive Seth Brothers for being who he was. No matter how much his actions had hurt me, hurt the band, hurt himself, he didn’t need forgiveness from me. In my mind, forgiveness implied that you were better than someone else, that they were seeking some kind of absolution from you. And that felt all wrong to me. I didn’t want to have that kind of power overanyone.
I wasn’t better than Seth, just like Jesse wasn’t better than me. So I wasn’t looking to forgive or to be forgiven anymore. We’d all made mistakes. We were all entitled to carry on, to make mistakes again, to do our best. To behuman.
Personally, all I really wanted was to be free to bemewith the people who were closest to me—flaws, fuck-ups and all. Not Elle the rock star. JustElle.
And to be loved for who I reallywas.
That meant accepting other people as they really were,too.
Like Jesse. Because Jesse Mayes was not the man of my dreams; I’d come to accept that much. He was justJesse.
And now, he was Katie’shusband.
The man ofherdreams.
I wanted to look at him without seeing all the mistakes we’d both made, and just seehim—without wanting things to be any different than theywere.
And ultimately, that was the same thing I wanted withSeth.
I just wasn’t sure how to explain all of that to Seth without sounding cheesy or insincere—given how I’d essentially dropped the ball on our friendship for so damn long—or rambling on about The Great Lessons I’d Learned From My Broken Heart… Or how to showhim.
Maybe bringing him here was a firststep?
Maybe that’s why I knew it was the right thing to do, even if everyone elsedisagreed.
I just knew I had to find out who the man really was. Because how could I get to making peace with the past, accepting Seth as he was—then and now—and being any kind of friend to him, when I didn’t even know thatmuch?
As of right now, I was willing to start fresh. To wipe the slate clean of assumptions and give him achance.
The fact was, it had been years since Seth and I had spent time alone together. And we’d never spent time together when he wasn’t using, until this year. For all I knew, back then, I’d never had a conversation with Seth Brothers when he wasn’t under the influence ofdrugs.
How could I possibly make a decision on where he fit with the band, or where he fit into my life, if we didn’t even know each otheranymore?
And maybe, to be fair to both of us, we never reallydid.
* * *
“Mai tai?”
Sometime later, I looked up to find Seth strolling across the patio toward me, a cocktail in hand. It was colorful and drool-worthy, with a chunk of pineapple on top and a littleumbrella.
I sat up a bit.Shit… I’d fallenasleep.
“Thought you could use a cabana boy,” he said. “You know, get the full tropical vacation experience.” He stopped right next to my lounge chair, which I’d dragged into the shade of one of the giant umbrellas when the sun got too high andhot.
