Page 76 of Dirty Like Brody
Break my heart all overagain.
Because of course, she fuckingcould.
* * *
When I joinedJessa on the patio, she seemed to be in a good mood. Kind of contemplative and relaxed. And she was definitely happy to see me; she got up and threw herself into my arms and gave me a long, tight hug, before settling back onto the couch with a sort of self-conscioussmile.
So that wasdifferent.
Better.
Then we talked. Actually talked, without fighting, like we used to do for hours on end when we were kids. And for once, it wasn’t about all the shit that had gone wrong and the distance between us. It was just talk, and it felt sofuckinggood.
At first, I sat on one of the chairs that faced the couch, leaning forward on my knees to be close to her where she lay. I loved watching her, that sparkle in her eyes when she was happy; that sparkle I hadn’t seen in way too fucking long. The way her lips moved… that beautiful sweet curve of her upper lip and the fullness of the bottom lip, the way the corners twitched when she was amused… the way she showed all her teeth when shelaughed.
Gradually we got closer until I was sitting, then lying on the couch right next to her. Both of us on our backs, sides pressed together, just shooting the shit like there was no one else in the world whose two centsmattered.
We lay like that for a long time, justtalking.
I hadn’t forgotten about my promise to get my tongue between her legs, but maybe we’d work up to that. I really wasn’t up for anything that was gonna make her cryagain.
This peace between us was justtoogood.
Eventually, she said, “I’m sorry,Brody.”
I took a deepbreath.
I’d been waiting to hear those words from her for years, but hearing her say them, so sincerely, I just wanted to let her off the hook. When it came down to it, I didn’t really want her apology; I justwantedher.
“I know,”Isaid.
“I mean… I’ve screwed up. I keep torturing myself, you know? With all the bad memories… all the times I’ve messedthingsup.”
“I guess that’s how we’re different,” I said, watching the firelight and shadow play over her features. “Mostly, I keep torturing myself withthegood.”
She stared at me for alongtime.
“I just… I hope you can forgive me,” shewhispered.
“There’s nothing to forgive. I’ve been an asshole myself, Jessa. You know that. You don’t owe me any apology.” I stared back at her in the firelight; so fucking beautiful. The kind of beautiful wars were waged over. “Not if you’re here.Withme.”
She didn’t say anything, justnodded.
“I meant what I said, though. At the wedding. You know… in your cabin.” And I said it again, the hardest thing I’d ever had to say to her, really. “It can’t be like it wasbefore.”
Yeah, I wanted her back, more than I’d ever wanted anything in my life. But if having her back meant more of the same, more of the past… I totally couldn’t fuckingdoit.
Not evenforher.
I could not have Jessa in my life and not bewithher.
“I don’t need it to be like it was before,” she replied softly. “But I do need my friend back.” Then her hand slipped over mine, soft andstrong.
“You never lost me,” Itoldher.
We lay in silence a while, holding hands, my heart drumming in my chest, and then we got talkingagain.
“Fill me in on what I’ve missed,” she said. “You know, withtheband.”
