Page 58 of Dirty Like Brody
Jessa wanted me. And still… she was runningfromme.
This time, maybe I wasrunningtoo.
This morning, I’d driven past the church. I didn’t stop. Not because she might be there. Because what if she wasn’t? What if we were losing heragain?
What if we were losing her because of whatI’dsaid?
There’s nothing you can do. Except leave now if that’s what you’regonnado.
After I passed the church, I drove back into town and over to Roni’s place, since it was nowhere near my route coming back from the church. Yeah, pretty much like a stalkerwould.
I didn’t even know what the fuck I was planning to do or say if I saw her. If Jessa was even there. Even when I’d called her, I didn’t know what Iwouldsay.
Apologizeagain?
Beg her to stay with the bandagain?
Fat fucking lot of good thateverdid.
I was just making up my mind not to stop, to just drive on by, when I saw her. A few blocks from Roni’s, standing at the curb, waiting for the light to change so she could cross the street. She was carrying a takeout coffee from JJ Bean and gazing off into nothing; not vacantly, but the way she used to when she was working out a song in her head. It was just about to rain but she had no umbrella, no jacket. Her hair was twirled up into a messy knot thing on top of her head. She was wearing Ray-Bans and pink Chucks and ripped jeans, and a T-shirt that saidRock ’N’ Roll Stole My Soul. Looking just that little bit awkward, like she always did: like some angel fallen to Earth, trying to pass as a regularperson.
She was rightthere, in the same city as me, right on the street across from me, and we weren’t eventalking.
I was nowhere near the neighborhood and just thought I’d swing by to stare at you and not say a damnthing.Cool?
I didn’t stop. I kept right on driving. I drove to Jesse’s house and headed for the gym. I didn’t even have workout clothes with me. I just took off my shirt and started punchingthings.
At least I was working out like a fiend. If I could remember to eat once in a while, if I could get some sleep, I’d probably be feeling pretty damn good. Physically, atleast.
As it was, I was just trying to beat the shit out of myself and in the process pummel the anger and frustration and impotence away, the powerlessness that overtook me whenever I got in the same room with Jessa. Whenever I was reminded of how she’d crushed me, all those years ago… over and over again. And the memories… all the fucking memories that were coming back to bite me completely intheass.
Because in every single one of them, I’dfuckedup.
At least maybe I’d eventually exhaust myself so I couldsleep.
I caught Jesse’s eyes on me again, and Jude’s. They weren’t even lifting anymore. Just watching me, and once in a while throwing each other a look, doing that annoying best-friends-forever mind-reading shittheydid.
What the fuck was Idoinghere?
“Heading home,” I said abruptly, yanking my shirt over my sweaty torso and heading forthedoor.
“Shit, Bro, you can take ashowerif—”
I slammed the door behind me before I could hear the end of that sentence. What the fuck did I have to say to anyone anyway? I couldn’t be around peoplelikethis.
I couldn’t even standmyself.
At least tomorrow I was getting the fuck outoftown.
ChapterFourteen
Brody
That night,I lay in bed awake for hours.Again.
I kept thinking through the last night Jessa spent in my bed. And the next day, when I told her Ilovedher.
And all the things I could’ve—should’ve—donedifferently.
