Page 129 of Dirty Like Brody
But Seth had been out of the band for six years. He was wearing a hat, and the stubble of his beard had grown back in, helping disguise the Seth Brothers the world usedtoknow.
Since getting kicked out of Dirty, he hadn’t really done anything else, at least musically; I’d heard about him playing with some band here or there, but nothing that ever amounted to anything close to the fame he’d had a taste of withDirty.
It was a tragedy,really.
Awaste.
Those familiar green eyes locked on me as I crossed the room, and Seth sat up as I approached his table. His gaze moved between me and the door as I pulled out a chair, his expression guarded. “Brodycoming?”
“No.” I sat down across from him, setting my purse on the table between us. “It’sjustme.”
He nodded, absorbing that. “Can I buy you acoffee?”
I shook my head, then blurted out, “Why do you have to do this? Can’t you find another band?” He stared at me, and I knew I’d struck below the belt, but I didn’t come here to mince words. “Didn’t you already ruinenough?”
Okay. That was a low blow, too. Very low. But on the drive here, in the process of working up my nerve to confront him, I’d gotten a littleangry.
“Me?” He looked honest-to-God confused. “I got kicked out of the band, Jessa. Or did you notnoticethat?”
“You got kicked out because you were a drug addict. That has nothing to do with me. For a long time, I thought it did. I was a kid. I waswrong.”
I waited for him to defend himself. To deny. To do whatever drug addicts did when they felt ashamed of theirbehavior.
He justnodded.
“You’re right. I was an addict. I’ll always be an addict. That isn’t your fault. But you chose to leave the band. I didn’t. I got kicked out. Now I’m clean, and it’s my chance to play with them again.” Seth held my eyes, his gaze steady, so different than it used to be. “I lost everything once and maybe you don’t think that has anything to do with you, but you never really did believe that Ilovedyou.”
My gaze was steady, too. No matter what he said to me, I had words I needed to get out, and I wasn’t holding them back. “I believed you,” I said. “But I was in love with Brody. You knew that, too. I told youIwas.”
He looked away, like he still didn’t want tohearit.
“You think you lost everything?” I leaned in over the table so he couldn’t possibly mishear me. “I loved Brody since the day I met him, Seth. I always have, and I always will. He didn’t have to do anything to deserve that love, and he sure as hell didn’t manipulate it out of me. You wanted me to love you but I couldn’t and you just couldn’t accept that. You were my friend, Seth, and you took advantage of how messed upIwas.”
He was shaking his head as I spoke. “Ididn’tmean—”
“No? Well, that whole experience fucked up everything for me. Worst of all, because of what happened, I ran away from everything that mattered. I hurt Brody, and now he’s defending you to me, fighting for you to have a chance with the band. He has no idea what happened between us, and if he knew, you know he’d never support your position withtheband.”
“What the fuck do you want me to say, Jessa?” Anger flashed across Seth’s face, along with what looked like hurt. He looked scared, actually, and it made me kind ofnauseous.
I’d never wanted to hurt him. It still made me feel like shit todoit.
I sat back in my chair and took a breath. I really didn’t come here toargue.
“You’ve already got everything,” he said. “You’ve got Brody, you’ve got your royalties from the songs, you’ve got your modeling career. You don’t need this. I do.” He was desperate. I could see that now. He wantedthis,bad.
And as I calmed down off the adrenaline kick brought on by facing him, by saying a lot of hurtful, spiteful, arguably unfair things I’d never had the chance to say before, I didn’t want to be the one to take it away from him. I really, reallydidn’t.
But I also wanted this. My home. My family.Myband.
Most of all,Brody.
And I just didn’t know how I could have them at the same time Seth did. I didn’t know if I could share them with someone who’d been such a huge part of all that pain I’d beenthrough.
“I remember the day I met you, too, Seth,” I told him quietly. “You were a really nice boy. Quiet, kind of shy. So cool… even Zane wanted to be like you. Everyone liked you. They loved you, actually. I think they still do, despite all you’ve done to them, and to yourself, or they wouldn’t want you back in the band.” Then I gathered my nerve one last time and said the thing I’d really wanted to tell him all these years. “I’m just sorry that whatever it was inside you that hurt so bad turned you into what youbecame.”
He said nothing inresponse.
As I got up to leave, I told him, “You need to come clean with the band, Seth. Tell them everything. I’ll give you a few hours, but you need to do it today. I’m not going to sleep one more night without getting things out in the open. If they still want you after that, so be it. I’ll just have toacceptit.”
