Page 92 of Dirty Like Brody
I laughed again. “Yeah, I’m kind of aware that’s the way it works. Maybe I could be the first,though?”
“Thefirstwhat?”
“Bikini model with sagging breasts and crow’s-feet. Set a new standard forbeauty.”
“Not gonna happen in this life, but good luck with that in the next one,” she said. “Seriously. You ever think about why you were drawn tomodeling?”
“I wasn’t really drawn. It was just an opportunity that presented itself when I was too young to think about it and I went with it. I waslucky.”
“More bullshit.” She shook her head at me. “Jessa, you were drawn to modeling. You can’t tell me any girl gets as far as you have and she doesn’t want it, and want it bad. You’ve got to compete against all those other gorgeous bitches for every job you get, and you know that isn’t easy. Looking hot in a photo or on a runway is one bit of work, but I’m gonna tell you, after mopping up Dirty’s shit for the past six years, it’s not the hard work they’d have you believe. Competing for those jobs where you get to look hot in a bikini? That’s hard work. Living on a diet fit for a very small rabbit, dealing with other bitches’ problems in your face whether you want them there or not, getting rejected over and over again for things that are beyond your control,thatis hard work. And you’ve done it. You don’t fight that fight, and win, unless you want it. So why don’t you tell me again, and no bullshit this time, why you were drawn tomodeling.”
Damn. Maggiewasgood.
“I don’t know,” I said, genuinely at a loss. “Because I got to travel and makemoney?”
“You were gonna get to travel and make money with the band. You serve up one more heap of bullshit and you’re out of here on that hot ass of yours. Imeanit.”
“Damn.”
“I can tell you why you became a model. Because you were super fucking good at it. You were beautiful, youarebeautiful, and when you rock that into a photo or down a catwalk, no one can touch you. Modeling, for you, is skin deep. I get that. I’ve met alotof beautiful girls, and a lot of models over the years, at our video shoots, backstage, at parties, and some of them just aren’tthere, you know? That’s the way it is for some girls. That beauty is a way to keeppeopleout.”
“Yeah. It’s that,” Iadmitted.
“And not just men,” she said. “Everyone.”
Idigestedthat.
Then I took a breath, took a sip of wine, and asked, “Did I ever tell you about thedrugs?”
She cocked an eyebrow at me. “Drugs?”
“It started before I met you,” I said, kind of embarrassed. “And it’s not like I came to class wasted, so maybe youneverknew.”
She looked at me with compassion and not one ounce of judgment. “Jessa, you never told me. But it’s not like Ididn’tknow.”
I stared at her, a littleshocked. “What?”
“I saw you, at that party out at Brody’s… remember? That first party you took me to, when you introduced me to Brody and the band. You’d come with that guy, and Brody caught him dealing coke, and there was a bit of a kerfuffle when Jude bounced him out. You weren’t too happy… I wasn’t sure exactly what happened there. But I saw you, later in the night, arguing with Seth outside. You wereupset.”
Shit. Maggiesawthat?
How much had sheheard?
“I wasn’t eavesdropping or anything,” she added quickly. “I went out to smoke a joint with some of the guys, in the backyard. Zane dropped a comment, something about Seth and you and ‘too much speed.’ I don’t know, at the time I didn’t think much of it. Just figured you guys were high, and there were a lot of drugs going around back then, but… I guess maybe Zaneknewmore?”
Zaneknew?
Oh, God… I’d been so stupid. Sonaive.
If Zane knew, maybe mybrotherknew.
Maybeeveryoneknew.
Maggie sighed at the look on my face. “Would you please do me one sweet favor and stop being so hard onyourself?”
I chewed on my lip, just kind of stewing in this uncomfortable mix of relief andshame.
Why did I think I had to hide from Maggie? Sure, I knew she was kind of a straight arrow; a little booze, a little pot… but it’s not like she hadn’t seen it all and then some working in the Dirty universe. Her dad had lived that life, too; so in a way, she was born right into the craziness. And it’s not like I was being served up heroine on a silver platter; I’d heard stories about her dad’s parties back in the day, and whatever I’d heard, she’d heard more. Maybe even witnessed. If anyone would understand the things I’d been through, it wasMaggie.
