Page 140 of Dirty Like Brody
“You know,” she whispered into the growing dark, her voice small, like she was sharing some terrible secret, “I’ve always been afraid of people leaving me? That’s why I leave themfirst.”
There was a silence as I took abreath.
“Because your dadleftyou.”
“Yeah,” she whispered. “Twice. He left when Mom was pregnant with me. That’s why she let Jesse name me. Then he came back to us. And then… he left again.Forever.”
Yeah. I knew that. And it’d definitely never been lost on me how much her dad leaving—twice—had fuckedJessaup.
“You know, Jessa, you told me the other night that you thought you had to be perfect to deserve love, when you were a kid. But maybe you’ve never stopped thinking that; that if you could just be good enough, perfect enough, no one else would ever leave you, hurt you like that, like your dad did,again.”
Jessa peered up at me. “How is it that you know me better than I knowmyself?”
“Because I love you.” I kissed her forehead. “Except it doesn’t work like that, does it? Trying to be perfect doesn’t makepeoplestay.”
“No,”shesaid.
“Because then yourmomdied.”
“Yes.”
“It doesn’t work like that because no one’s perfect, Jessa. And no matter how flawless you try to be, you can’t stop people from leaving you. Isn’t it fucking freeing to finallyacceptthat?”
“I guess I’ll let you know, when I get toacceptingit.”
“Babe, when you love someone, when you really love them… youalreadyhave.”
She took that in and I could see her trying to swallow it. I knew she had to, because I knew, about this, I wasright.
She couldn’t truly love me, or anyone else, if she was terrified the whole time they were gonna walk out the door. Which was why I had to stop being afraid she was gonna run away again. Because I didloveher.
I loved her with everythingIhad.
“And by the way, there is no fucking way I’m gonna let you sit here and even try to tell me you don’t see my flaws, because that’s some straight-up bullshit, babe. And if you can still stand me with all my scars, maybe you can cut yourself someslack.”
She smiled at me, and I knew I was right on this point, too. Because I was far from perfect, and she had never expected me to be. It was probably all the weird little idiosyncrasies that made memethat she liked about meanyway.
I knew I loved all those things about her. Stubborn, dorky, scared as shit, I didn’t care. Ilovedher.
“You are ridiculously bossy,” she conceded. “And crazy over-protective. And I still tolerate you. Putting me on the pill, for example, while embarrassing and perhaps a tad premature, probably did me a real solid. So I guess I owe you a thanksforthat.”
“I didn’t put you on the pill,” I said. “Yourbrotherdid.”
“Right. And that had nothing at all to do with you and your giantblackeye.”
I grinned. “You remember that night? You told me I should stop smoking. You can be bossy yourself, youknowthat?”
“I remember. A girl never forgets the night the man of her dreams brings her tampons.” She looked up at me, and I looked right back at her. And yeah, she’d just said that.The man of herdreams.
“I never had another cigarette after that one,” I confessed. “Bet you didn’tknowthat.”
“Never?”
“Never.” I took her chin and drew her face close to mine. “I have loved you forever, Jessa Mayes. Pretty sure I was fucking born to love you. I know you didn’t really believe me when I said so, or maybe you just didn’t want to… but Iwould’vewaited for youforever.”
* * *
“Say it,”I murmured into her sweet-smelling skin, kissing her neck as I held her down. And yes, I was being bossy. I did not give one fuck. “I want to hear you say it,princess.”
