Page 139 of Dirty Like Brody
“No. And yes.” She sighed again, nibbling on her lip. “The best I can describe it is like this. The more I wanted you, all the guilt over what was happening with Seth, with the drugs, all the lies… the secrets and the hiding… it ate me up. That’s when I started really distancing myself from you. And spending more time with him. And later, when I started distancing myself from him, too, that’s when we wrote the song. But I never should’ve gone down that road with him, even though it gave us that song. I’ve known that all along. I knew it then. I stilldidit.”
“You loved him,” I managed to say, looking at the concrete between my feet. “There’s no guilt in that, Jessa.” I meantthat,too.
“Yeah,” she breathed. “I loved him. As afriend.”
She fell silent and I lookedather.
“I used to think about you. When he and I…” She trailed off, looking away. “But then… it just made me feel dirtier than I already did. Like I was betraying him, too. And most of all, I knew I was betraying myself.” She glanced at me. “I thought if you saw the real me… what I’d become… everything I’d done… you wouldn’t like me anymore. You wouldn’t keep me on that damn pedestal you had me on. You wouldn’t even be able to stand me. And I couldn’t stand that. So…” She swallowed. “I ran. I ran from everything that hurt, and in turn, I just got… numb. I couldn’t feel much of anything without you there to remind me I was still alive.” She looked right in my eyes, hers shining with tears in the dusk. “That’s why I couldn’t just block your number and completely lose you. Those messages you sent kept me alive,Brody.”
I took her hand in mine, but she looked down at the grass and her hair fell over her face. I knew this was a lot for her to open up about. And even if she was finally ready, it had to be reallyfuckinghard.
“Did I ever tell you about my dad?” I asked her, knowing fully fucking well I hadn’t. I’d never told anyone that shit. “About how hehitme?”
“No.” She looked up at me and shifted closer, letting her leg press against mine like she instinctively wanted to comfort me. “You never toldmethat.”
“Yeah. It started before I met you. When I was small, and it went on for years. Until I was big enough to hit back.” I cracked my knuckles, remembering. “He would hit me in the chest, or the back, or the stomach. Places no one would know but me, places they wouldn’t see at school. And I never told anyone. So it became this humiliating secret. He told me if I told anyone, I was a pussy. He told me that when I was seven years old, and I believed him. I believed him for a long time, Jessa. The thing is, I don’t believe him anymore.” I squeezed her hand. “We all have shit we’re not proud of. I never would’ve judged you for what you wentthrough.”
“Brody…” she said softly. “Ineverknew.”
“You remember that pin I gave you?” No stopping now; just tear that rotten bandage off, for good. “The one from theSinners?”
Shenodded.
“They recruited me. When I wastwelve.”
“Oh,Brody…”
“Yeah. There was this guy I’d see at the 7-Eleven by my school—the private school I went to before your school. He rode a Harley and he was all kinds of cool. At least, he seemed to be, to me. He was so tough, you could see how people just stepped the hell out of his way when he walked into the store. I wanted that. I wanted to not be scared anymore. He could see that, I guess. Or he saw something. I don’t know.” I looked at her; made sure she was really listening tothisshit.
She was hanging on my every word, her big brown eyes lockedonmine.
“He got me dealing drugs on the playground. I was just a kid, you know, twelve, thirteen. And he’d have me hand out freebies to the other kids. Try to lure them in so they’d want more, spend their parents’ money. I did it for about a year before I got caught. I was lucky my dad’s lawyers saved me on that one. But I have to carry that shit, every day. That because of my stupidity, some poor kid might’ve ended up ajunkie.”
Jessa squeezed my hand, tight. “You were just a kid, Brody. He took advantage of you. He used your vulnerability. That doesn’t makeyoubad.”
“Yeah. Well. If you feel dirty for what you’ve been through, sweetheart, believe me, I feel fucking filthy. And you should know by now that I never expected you to be perfect. I loved you, Jessa. You. Not what you thought you were supposedtobe.”
She sniffed a little, fighting back tears. “You should’ve told me. About your dad. About allofit.”
“You should’ve told me about the drugs. About what was going on with Seth. Or told Jesse. Or Elle. Somebody. We would’ve helped you. We’re your team. Don’t you know thatbynow?”
“Yes,” she said. “I do. I know it now. But I was so afraid back then… I would’ve rather you love that girl I really wasn’t than never love me at all.” She shook her head sadly. “Why didn’t you tell us about your dad? Didn’t you think we’dbelieveyou?”
I took her face in my hands and looked her right in the eye. “We would’ve believed you,Jessa.”
“I didn’t know. I just didn’t know which way itwouldgo.”
“With you,” I told her, letting my thumb caress her cheek. “We would’ve had your back. And things would’ve been so different if we’d known. A lot of things would’ve beendifferent…”
She closed her eyes for a moment as I caressed hercheek.
“Do you remember that day we first met?” she asked softly. “On the playground, when you saved me from thosebullies?”
I snorted. “Way I remember it, you would’ve been just fine without me, princess. For a snot-nosed five-year-old, you sure had all theanswers.”
She narrowed her eyes at me. “I was eight. And maybe that was the problem, that I thought I had the answers. Sometimes I still feel like that lonely little girl, you know? Trying to carry the weight of the world on my skinny shoulders, not even realizing I don’t have to, just trying so hard to save myself and drowning. And I know it’s taken me too many years, but I’ve finally realized I can’t do italone.”
“You don’t have to,” I said. I let my hands drop from her face and put my arm around her. “Come here,” I said, tucking her into my side. She snuggled into me, wrapping her arms around mywaist.
