Page 132 of Dirty Like Brody
“I’ll just… head out for a while. Take your time.” She threw me a look and pointed at her phone, which I took to mean,Message me if you need that ride to theairport.
Then shevanished.
Brody shed his jacket, rubbed a hand over his face and sat next to me on thecouch.
“We need to talk,” I saidsoftly.
“Yeah,” he said, blue eyes locking onto mine. He took hold of my hand and held it tight against his thigh. “So,talk.”
* * *
Italked.
I told himeverything.
And I started at thebeginning.
I told him about how it felt after my mom died. I told him about the crushing weight of the loss of her, after already losing my dad. The dark despair and powerlessnessI’dfelt.
I told him how it felt to be the kid sister, the good girl, always following everyone else’s rules, doing my best to keep everyone smiling while I felt like I was dyinginside.
I told him how it felt to be cared for and protected by my brother, and Jude, and Zane, and by all my brother’s friends growing up. By him;Brody.
AndbySeth.
How it felt to be guarded and policed and so protected, so loved, so cherished that I was treated like a princess. That I thought I had to act like one, pretty and happy and shiny and perfect, to deservethatlove.
And the toll it had taken on me to act that way when inside, I felt anything butperfect.
How it felt to be told I couldn’t stay out late, couldn’t date, couldn’t drink, when everyone around me was doing just that. How it felt to be left out of the party, when all I really wanted was a grand distraction from all my ugly feelings. A distraction frommyself.
I told him about the first time I did drugs to find that distraction. About the first time Seth gave me pot, when no one elsewould.
I told him about the next time, and the next. About the times I’d sneak out of Dolly’s house in the middle of the night to hang out with Seth and smoke up. About the parties Seth took me to when Jesse and Dolly thought I was homeinbed.
I told him about the first time pot turned into pills. How the highs got higher, more frequent, and then the lows got lower in-between.
I told him about how the need for a distraction turned into a desire to get high. How my guilt over lying to Jesse and Jude and Zane and Dolly andhimabout where I was and what I was doing and who I was doing it with just fed the darknessinsideme.
I told him about the other lies I’d told. How I’d told my brother I was at modeling jobs when I was getting high. How I told him I was sleeping over at a girlfriend’s house when I was out all nightwithSeth.
And I told him. I told him what happened when I got scared Seth might stop giving me drugs. Because he’d never asked me for money to pay for them. He liked me, and he gave them to me freely. Except they weren’t really free, because Seth had feelingsforme.
I knew that, and Iusedit.
I told him how, when I saw him with Christy, in my messed-up state, I’d turned to Seth for comfort, and I’d crossed that line I never should’ve crossed with him, because I didn’tloveSeth.
Then I told him about Seth introducing metoMDMA.
“You did ecstasywithSeth?”
Those were the first words out of hismouth.
I could see the conclusion he was drawing in his head, and he wasn’twrong.
“Yes. I did ecstasywithSeth.”
Then I told him the restofit.
