Page 109 of Dirty Like Me
Flynn left and I flopped onto the bed.
Fuck me.
What the fuck was going on?
L.A. had been amazing, other than this. For a surprise birthday present, Jesse had flown my sister and her family down when we first arrived. We’d had a ton of fun sightseeing and taking the kids to the beach, but they’d flown home last night; had to get back to work. They rarely went on holiday because of the coffee bar, so I was super grateful Jesse had managed to pull this together… but I also couldn’t help wondering if he’d done it partly to keep me distracted.
I’d heard him on the phone again this morning, and he was definitely talking to a woman.
Elle hadn’t shown up at his shows, so I still didn’t know if that’s what the argument was about. But I’d put money on the fact that he was talking to her, and whatever they were talking about, it wasn’t good.
I just didn’t know what I was supposed to do about it. Ignore it? Resign myself to the fact that I was losing him? Correction, had never had him in the first place. So if he wanted her back, or had some sort of unresolved shit to work through with her, who was I to say anything?
Or did I say something? Did I fight for him? Take a chance and tell him how I felt? Grab this situation by the balls and let the consequences be what they may?
At least then I would’ve tried.
Not like I was getting many more chances.
This was the last week of the tour. Which meant in one week Jesse and I were supposed to just… say goodbye?
I’d go home to Vancouver and he’d go… wherever Jesse Mayes went? All over the place, probably, writing and recording the next Dirty album and touring the world, and far the hell away from me. Soon enough I’d be out of sight, out of mind.
But not to worry. There’d be lineups of warm female bodies just waiting to take my place.
Fuck. Justfuck.
I rolled over and mashed my face into the pillow, trying really hard not to throw up.
Was that why he was pulling away? Was it going to be hard for him to say goodbye too?
Or was he so wrapped up with Elle he wasn’t even thinking about it?
That thought was just too painful to consider.
When I heard him on the phone this morning, all I could think was,He’s talking to her. She’s putting that brooding look on his face.
And if he still had feelings for her, I really shouldn’t be here at all. If that was the case, I didn’twantto be here.
I just didn’t know how to do this… this incredibly slow, agonizing letting go of someone I didn’t want to let go of at all. I didn’t want to say goodbye to what we had. Why would I? If this was a real relationship it would be perfect.
At least, before Elle came back into the picture.
Though maybe she’d never actuallyleftthe picture. I mean, if nothing else, they were still in a band together. Not like he wasn’t ever going to see her again, like alot.
And thiswasn’ta real relationship. It wasn’t even a relationship. It was a business deal. With a time limit on it. A time limit that I, myself, had insisted on.
Like an idiot.
In my most desperate moments, like right now, I considered running away. Just quitting this fucked-up job, leaving the tour and going home. I knew I risked just getting more and more attached to Jesse the longer I stayed, but I couldn’t bring myself to leave him. I didn’t know how I’d survive being left by him, but I still couldn’t leave.
Maybe I just needed more time to figure out how to tell him how I really felt.
Maybe I would never tell him at all.
I just didn’t know yet.
I called my sister and made her put Max on the phone, just so I could hear my dog and know I still had a home and a family who would welcome me back at the end of this fucked-up-edness with open arms.
