Page 126 of Bolo's Curveball
Watching your son’s heart rate and oxygen crash for the tenth time in an hour, or the hundredth time, losing count because the alarm seems to be permanently going off…sometimes I lost ground to those dark thoughts. It was hard to remember that the nurse had warned me that this was going to happen.
But the thoughts didn't win. They didn’t get to win because my son was stronger than that. Because the doctors and nurses were fighting day and night for him. Because I refused to leave his side and despite only being days old now. Each time I did care he grabbed a hold of me with strength and love. He was a warrior. A fighter and he wasn’t giving up. So neither would I. And those fucking negative thoughts were only a form of giving up, so I shoved them deep and took comfort in the fact that he was fighting so hard.
“He’s feisty,” Bryce said the next night with a smile.
The time had passed so quickly it didn’t even seem like enough had gone by for him to be back on shift again, but here he was. And here I was. This was where I was going to stay until my son was ready to come home with me and Devyn.
* * *
“How you holding up?”Relay asked.
I blinked, unsure how to answer his question. I’d barely slept in… How many days had it been? Three? Maybe.
My parents had visited yesterday. Or maybe it was this morning. I wasn’t sure anymore. Once Collin was more stable, and his alarms weren’t crashing out as often, then I’d feel more comfortable with sleeping. With going to grab an actual hot meal at the cafeteria instead of just grabbing a sandwich, eating it outside the NICU hallway, then going back to my son.
My eyes stayed fixed on the isolette that my son was in. He’d been fairly stable this morning. It was a relief, but the morning nurse—Brenna? Brie? Briana? I couldn’t quite remember—had warned me that we were in the ‘honeymoon’ phase post birth. The next twenty-four to forty-eight hours is where things could get touch and go.
I wasn’t sure what she meant by honeymoon, because this morning was the first time those alarms had been fairly quiet. Which meant I wasn’t looking forward to what was coming next.
“This is unlike anything I’ve done or felt before,” I told him. He didn’t respond, he knew to just wait for me to continue. “There’s nothing I can do.Nothing. There’s no enemy to fight here, no Collective or other assholes to blame. It’s just…medical stuff. Literallyeverythingis out of my hands…out of my control. I fucking hate that. I’d rather tear something apart and get itover with than have to watch as he fights his own battles. I would do it for him.
“And Devyn has her own troubles. I can’t be in two places at once. Not that I could do anything there either.” Her body was healing from the pre-eclampsia, but she was retaining water and some of her internal organs were struggling.
“She has her parents and her sisters to watch over her.” Relay offered. “And you’ve got me.”
“I know, but it’s not the same. I know that right here, with him, is where I need to be. Where she asked me to be, but it doesn’t make it any better.” I rubbed my hand over my head. “Fuck. Combat is so much easier.” I looked at him. “You know, for all the times I’ve been shot at, I’ve never really been scared. Sure, I duck and cover and my heartrate goes up. The occasional tremor in my hands, but it’s nothing like this. This is something else entirely. This is complete powerlessness.” I exhaled slowly. “For the first time in my life I understand terror.”
I knew I could be vulnerable with him. Not just because he was my brother, but because of everything he’d been through. If anyone was going to come close to understanding how I felt, it was him.
Relay put his hand on my shoulder. “He’s your son. He’s got your strength, and he’s clearly a fighter. Have faith in the little guy. He’s made it this far, he’s going to surprise you with how much fight he has in him.”
I nodded. He was right. Collin had come out swinging and he wasn’t giving up.
“When was the last time you slept?” Relay asked.
“I…uh, I stopped trying after the first night. The dreams…” Dreams? I couldn’t really describe them like that. They were mainly just nightmares. Every one of them was the same. A nurse woke me and said ‘sorry’ and then I looked at the isoletteand it was empty. No, I couldn’t take that anymore. So I’d resorted to coffee and pacing a lot.
I didn’t have to say it out loud. If anyone were to understand without explanation, it was Relay. He placed a hand on my shoulder and nodded to the recliner. “Grab a quick nap before your old lady comes over. I’ll take watch.” He stepped over to Collin and stood where he could see under the cover.
And he would stay there, for as long as I needed. I sat in the recliner, this godawful straight-from-the-eighties cushionless recliner that would likely set my ass and back out of alignment, and shut my eyes. I was out like a light. And this time the dreams…were actual dreams. Just the three of us. My old lady and my boy. It was the best sleep I’d had in my life.
* * *
I awoketo a gentle shake from Relay. “Dev’s on her way.”
I stood up just in time to see a nurse wheeling Devyn in on a wheelchair. “Hey,” I said, smiling at her. She looked exhausted, but she was smiling through tears.
“I wanted to see you, and meet our son.”
“I’ll be back later,” Relay said, squeezing my shoulder before he let go. He stopped next to Dev and leaned down to kiss her on the cheek. “Congrats, Mama.”
We watched as he walked out and then I moved forward to help Devyn stand up. Pulling her into a gentle hug, I took a moment to breathe deep and somehow center myself.
“How’s he doing?”
“Good,” I told her. I didn’t mention all the stuff the doctors had said. There would be time to explain all that later. I wasn’t about to do it when she was going to meet her son for the first time.
“Oh, just in time,” Brenna, Brie, Briana said as she came into the room. “Want to help with Collin’s care time, Mom?”
