Page 52 of Foes & Cons
BUD LEROY
Vampires. Got to love your confidence.
Vampire Falls. Season two, episode five – “Shadows Behind”
We left Sadie getting re-glued after she resorted to tears to manipulate me into writing the final chapter ofNever Leavejust for her. Honestly, it nearly worked, but the thought of revisiting that time of my life gives my soul period pains.
A steward ushers us through the door to the photographs. I crane my neck, looking past the giant silver umbrella, and see Orlando Wilde. Despite his character now being an eternal reminder of my total failure as a fan, he’s a steady presence on the show and at conventions, full of heart and always has an open smile. The fandom was devastated when Bud Leroy died in season five (possessed by a Dominion Hellion), and we screamed with joy when they resurrected him in season six.
I pause for a moment, basking in the queuey goodness, and breathe in the stale, conditioned air: its familiarity cleanses my soul of Charlie Chamberlain. We hurry to the end of the queue that’s zigzagging its way back and forth across the large room like we’re in airport security, but instead of jetting off on holiday I’m jetting off into the bosom of my fellow fans also queueing forphoto ops.
Toby bounces past us from the front, smiling ear to ear.
“Hey, Toby,” says Roxy.
“Hey! I just had my first photo,” he says, beaming at Roxy. “Orlando Wilde said he dug my sneakers.”
“Good for you, Toby,” I say.
His smile falters as he looks at me, then heads to the door, passing others filing into the room. Someone else joins the end of the queue, and trying to get Toby to forgive me for barfing in his helmet becomes the least of my problems.
I sigh but force myself to wave at Sadie, who is still in vampire mode, making sure to direct my wave at her, and only her. Roxy puts her hands on my shoulders.
“Just ignore, babe,” she whispers. “Let’s focus on the queueing. You know about queuing; you’re good at queuing.”
Not when Charlie Chamberlain is trying to ruin this core convention experience for me, as well as everything else. I’m literally seeing him and Vivian at every turn.
“Move ALONG please,” bellows a stewardwearing cat-eye glasses, right in my ear. I glare at her and trundle forwards.
“Hey, one of the guys on my course told me that her cousin went to Bristol,” says Roxy, looking around the room.
“How interesting, Roxy, and what’s that got to do with anything?” I say, my entire body tensing at the mention of Bristol, aka our future.
“Well, if you let me finish, Snappy McSnapface, it’s relevant because on your first day you have to queue up in this massive common room and they make you buy all these, like,Wi-Fi permitsandcompulsory licences, but it’s all fake and they’re shaking you down for charity.” She frowns at me. “Why are you being shitty whenever I mention Bristol?”
“Moi?” I blurt.
“OK, why are you being shittyandFrench?”
“I’m not. I’m just . . .” I say, swallowing a dry lump, “concentrating on the queue.”
“Fine. I hope we’re both in Wills Hall,” she says, her eyes sparkling. “Did you see the photo I sent you? The Old Quad covered in snow?”
I shake my head, irritated that Roxy’s bringing up Bristol when I should be basking in the anticipation of standing side by side with my favourite actors for a good three seconds each. We shuffle forward in the long queue that snakes back and forth, and the line we’re next to moves in the opposite direction, bringing my rivals closer. I risk a look at them, just as Charlie Chamberlain reaches over his shoulders and pulls his hoodie off. I grab Roxy’s arm and point. My throat has clammed up for unknown reasons.
“Did Charlie Chamberlain get vampire abs prosthetics done?” I say.
Roxy forgets about the snow-covered bollocks and sucks in a breath.
“Shit the bed!” she says, her eyebrows flying up. “Look at those v-lines!”
I am somehow unable tostoplooking at the v-lines, or the quite substantial section of torso Charlie Chamberlain has unknowingly revealed to a room full of Fallers. He quickly pulls his T-shirt down, his cheeks pink when he looks up to see if anyone’s noticed.
Not me, I didnotnotice that. And anyway, rock hard abs do not maketh the man.
“That boy’s been working out,” says Roxy, doing that weird finger flick thing. “Gainz.”
“What does that mean?” I ask.
