Page 13 of Foes & Cons
“So, you’re not a virgin then?” asks Charlie Chamberlain,folding his arms.
“What? No. I mean, yes,” I say, shaking my head then glaring at Charlie Chamberlain. “I mean, what’s the question again?”
“So, you are then?” says Charlie Chamberlain, squinting at me and putting his thumb and forefinger on his chin.
“Not cool, Charlie,” says Roxy, shaking her head. “Eliza, maybe we should register?”
“It’s none of your business whether I’m a virgin or not, Charlie,” I say, knowing I should grasp Roxy’s way out of this hell conversation, but you’re probably not surprised that I’m not thinking straight right now.
“But you’re wearing a T-shirt proclaiming that you are one, Eliza.”
“But it saysThis is an old T-shirton the back!”
“So, is it an old T-shirt then?” asks Damon Van Schwartz.
“What?” Oh please, not Damon Van Schwartz as well. I have dreamt so many conversations with him, but none of them involve discussing my virgin status. “No, no, it’s notmyT-shirt. I had an accident and had to change my clothes.”
“Anaccident?” repeats Charlie Chamberlain, doing air quotes round the word.
“I didn’t wet myself!” I blurt. “I spilt my drink, and this was all there was to change into. For god’s sake, I wouldn’t wear a T-shirt like this even if Iwasn’ta virgin.”
“So, you’re saying youarea virgin?”
“YES, CHARLIE. IAMA VIRGIN, OK?!”
Did someone just shout that on my behalf? No? Oh good, it was me then. Perfect.
Someone presses pause on the entire hotel, and I know without having to look around that everyone’s eyes are on me, including the bluest of blue eyes of Damon Van Schwartz who is whispering something to his publicist as she places herself between him and me.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to shout. It’s just . . .” I let out a breath and waft the neck of the T-shirt to let some of the air conditioning cool down my skin, “it’s been kind of a crappy morning so far.”
“Forget it, you guys. Go. Go have the best of weekends and enjoy . . .” says Damon Van Schwartz, then his nose wrinkles, and he leans into his publicist and whispers somethingabout aheinous smell.
It’s me.I’mthe heinous smell. If I could fold myself up and put myself into an envelope and post it to Easter Island, I would, but instead I shuffle backwards as Damon Van Schwartz, and everyone in the vicinity, sniffs the air. Everyone including Charlie Chamberlain, who’s taking long sniffs, closer and closer to the source. Again, me.
“Ew,” he says, waving his hand across his face. “Eliza. Gross.”
Damon Van Schwartz looks at me like I’m a fresh something he’s stepped in and holds his hand out to his assistant again. She pulls out a small tub of mints and he takes it, throwing one into his mouth. Within seconds, his eyes widen, and then they bulge as he spins round to his assistant and grabs her shoulder with one hand and his neck with the other, a rasping sound coming from his throat as his face gets redder and redder.
He’s choking. Oh, my Goddess of Rage and Jealousy, Damon Van Schwartz is choking on a mint right in front of our eyes.
“Somebody do something!” shouts his assistant in a Californian accent. “Call 911!”
I don’t think now’s the time to tell her 911 won’t be much help in England. Damon Van Schwartz stumbles around in front of us, his arms waving and his lips turning blue, and we all just stare at him like he’s doing a scene fromVampire Falls.
Charlie Chamberlain springs from my side and moves quickly behind him. He puts both arms around Damon Van Schwartz’s chest, clasping his hands in front.
“Cough!” he shouts, tightening his arms. “Cough!”
All of a sudden, whatever Charlie Chamberlain’s doing dislodges the mint from Damon Van Schwartz’s throat and it flies from his mouth, hitting me directly between the eyes. He heaves a huge breath then starts coughing and Charlie Chamberlain moves to his side to take his weight. The coughing slows and he wipes his eyes, then puts his hand on Charlie Chamberlain’s shoulder and straightens up.
“Man,” he says, still panting hard, “I thought that was the end of the line, for sure. You saved my life, kid.”
“No, you would have been OK,” says Charlie Chamberlain, shrugging like he’s always going round giving celebrities the Heimlich manoeuvre.
“I mean it, Charlie; you saved my life.” Damon Van Schwartz grabs his hand then raises it above his head like he’s just won a boxing match. “Everybody; Charlie just saved my life!”
Everyone bursts into applause, some wiping away tears of joy that their favouriteVampire Fallsstar is still alive and able to honour his convention commitments. People elbow me out of the way to smack Charlie Chamberlain on the back or high-five him, and the entire hotel chants his name.
