Page 82 of The Call-Up
Okay. I might be having second thoughts about this. Like major second thoughts. Technically, I think they are first thoughts as at no point in the conversation when Ryan brought this up did I have a chance to process it. My head went completely empty. But he, for whatever reason, is ready to steamroll this plan of his forward and I’m not entirely sure if I can say no.
I mean, I guess it’s for the best. His argument does make sense. It’s all very logical, which Ryan tends to be when he’s not being a complete and total smartass. He’s way less prone tomaking emotional, panic-stricken decisions than I am. But that’s also what makes this situation so strange. It’s unlike him to be this impulsive and this open and honest. Which is one of the many reasons why I’ve asked him over and over again if he’s sure he wants to do this.
“What did you tell him when you said we wanted to talk before practice?” I ask.
“Brandon.” Ryan looks at me again, then reaches across the center console and squeezes my hand. “You were there. I just said that we needed to talk but that it wasn’t a big deal.”
“Do you think he suspects?”
“I don’t know.” He shrugs. “Maybe. You said once you thought his wife knew.”
“She did give me that impression.” I sigh.
When we reach the stop sign before the entrance to our practice rink, he hits the brakes harder than I think is necessary, sending me forward in my seat. The seatbelt catches me.
“Are you having second thoughts?” he asks.
I turn to look at him. I can feel my eyebrows simultaneously lift and scrunch together, while I chew on my lower lip.
“You are? Aren’t you?” He pulls into the practice facility’s parking lot and puts us in the shade near the far south corner.
“It’s not so much second thoughts as it’s first thoughts. I just got here. I’m doing well, the team has embraced me. Coach Chris seems to have a delusional amount of faith in me. What if this ruins all of that?”
He places his hand on the back of my neck and massages it with his fingers. “It won’t. Coach isn’t like that, and neither are the team.”
I try to relax into his words because he is right. I know he is. But I’m still nervous. I’ve never had to say any of this out loud before.
He turns in his seat and looks at me. His eyes are gentle, but also still determined. “I’m tired of hiding. I’m tired of making decisions that keep me from having the life I want. And the life Iwant involves being out, at least to the people important to me, with you. I love you and I want everyone important to me to know it.”
He looks so earnest as he says it, my heart clenches. I want that too. I mean, for fuck’s sake, it’s been my literal dream since I was fourteen. I’m still in shock that it’s within my grasp and I for damn sure don’t want to lose it. But also, this is terrifying. My heart is racing and I’m sweating in all of my joints.
“I love you too,” I say. Being able to speak those words out loud helps to calm me.
He reaches across the car with his other hand, then places both hands on my shoulders. His palms feel heavy and warm and most of all settling.
“I’m going to ask you something and I want you to answer it honestly,” he says.
“Okay.” I swallow. A lot of the honesty we’ve shared over the last twelve hours has been a bit overwhelming. I don’t expect his question to break that trend.
“When did you know you wanted to play in the NHL?”
I sputter out a laugh. Okay, that wasn’t what I was expecting. “For as long as I can remember.”
“And when did you realize you were gay?”
“Oh no,” I say. My skin starts to get hot. “We’re not going there.”
“Why?” he laughs. “There’s no way you can be embarrassed about that. You’re talking to your gay boyfriend, remember?”
“Well… considering I figured it out when I was fourteen…”
His eyebrows rise and his mouth drops slightly open. “Oh.”
A sudden knock onto Ryan’s window startles us both.
“You two good?!” Danton shouts through the glass. He has his thumbs up and a goofy smile on his face.
Ryan hits the button to roll down his window. “Yeah, we’re good,” he says, then gestures at me with his thumb. “Just giving Baby over here a much-needed pep talk.”
