Page 99 of Heartsmashed
“You’re right. I don’t.” He looked away, his lower lip caught between his teeth. “God.”
He was quiet for a long time, probably trying to make sense of it all, and there was nothing I could do to make things better.
Then he said, “You let me wonder whether you wanted me or whether it was just part of—” He stopped, his jaw clenched, eyes shining in a way that made me hate myself.
“I know,” I said.
“Do you? Because I don’t think you do. Do you have any idea what it feels like to stand here and remember every single humiliating thing I said to you, thinking you were someone who did this kind of thing all the time and maybe wouldn’t judge me for it?”
“I never judged you. I never would.”
“Well, that’s great for you, Beckett.” His voice cracked, and he looked away fast. “That makes me feel so much better.”
I took a step toward him without meaning to, stopping only when his shoulders tensed. He needed space, and that was the last thing I wanted to give.
He looked back at me then, breathing in deep before he said, “Did you laugh at me?”
The question hit me like a punch to my chest. “No.”
“Did you pity me?”
“Never.”
“Don’t say that because you think it’s the right answer.”
“It’s the truth.”
Sawyer looked up at me, and the anger in his eyes was laced with hurt that I’d put there. I held his gaze, not backing away from the pain I’d caused.
“I want you,” I said. “I care about you. I was trying to protect you, and I know none of that makes what I did okay, but it’s true.”
Sawyer dragged a hand through his hair. “I hate that I believe you.”
His words cut through every defense I had left, and it was a wonder I didn’t fall to my knees.
“I hate that I can look at you right now and know you mean that.” His voice dropped a little lower. “Because if you were just some asshole who used me, this would be easier.”
“I never wanted to hurt you.”
Sawyer wrapped his arms around himself and turned his back on me as he paced a little. “I feel so stupid.”
“You are not stupid.”
“Don’t. Don’t say that like you get to fix how I’m feeling.”
He was right. I didn’t get to fix it or soften it, tell him what his hurt was allowed to look like just because watching it was tearing me apart.
I could only nod as the room went silent again. Outside the world was waking up, birds chirping, a distant whistle blowing, all while Sawyer’s morning fell apart.
Sawyer stopped pacing, his eyes dropping to the ID on my bag for a long time, “Was any of it real?”
“Yes. All of it. Everything I feel and want with you is real. From the second you sat down, it was so easy with you. I’ve never had to put on an act when it comes to you. It’s all been me. The real me.”
He closed his eyes, and for a second I thought he might break. But when he opened his eyes again, they were wet but steady, and that was worse, because Sawyer was already trying to hold himself together for everyone else.
“You were the first thing in weeks that didn’t make me feel stupid for wanting more,” he said. “Now I feel stupid for all of it.”
That broke something in me, and I started toward him again before forcing myself to stop. “You don’t owe me understanding just because I had feelings while I lied. None of what I felt was fake, not then and not now. But I know that doesn’t make the lie disappear.”
