Page 65 of Heartsmashed
19
SAWYER
THE BITE OF cold air was exactly what I needed as I stepped out onto the terrace, needing some distance from all the emotions that felt like they’d hit me all at once.
God, the night had been going so well, too. Beckett and I were on the same page again after my faux pas last night, and somehow we’d even gotten many of the answers right…minus the feather boa I’d finally taken off.
Just sitting beside him had my stomach flipping and my body reacting in a way not suitable for a room filled with family, but it was more than that. There was a deep ease and comfort that I’d never felt with anyone before, and that freaked me out. This wasn’t a normal situation where I’d met a guy and we’d hit it off. Beckett was someone I’dhired. That made these muddy waters that I had no idea how to navigate.
He’d only known me for a few days, but every time Rome read off another question, he seemed to already know what I was going to say. He noticed things about me that Peter never had. Or maybe it was that Peter had noticed once and decided he didn’t care enough to remember.
Fucking Peter.
I braced my hands on the terrace railing and stared out at the dark line of trees that loomed past where the resort lights reached. The lake was barely visible in the distance, just a black shimmer beneath the moonlight. It was colder tonight than it had been since we arrived, and I was shivering, though I wasn’t ready to go back inside yet.
Because I could still see Peter and Alec, their boards matching, and that sick feeling that overwhelmed me when they’d answered a simple question. It shouldn’t have bothered me, but was just intimate enough that it proved Peter was really with someone else now, even if I’d seen the cracks in their relationship the rest of the night.
He was still here, still rubbing my face in what he had now, and it sucked. There, those were my true feelings: it fucking sucked. And it wasn’t because I wanted him back, God no. At least I felt some small sense of relief that now I knew I was better off without him, but with that realization came other hurts.
That I’d been so easy to get over. That he hadn’t been invested in a future with me and I’d been too blind or too scared to see it. Even now, he didn’t want me, but he didn’t want me to be happy with anyone else. If I didn’t move on, it was a stroke to his ego.
The thing was, Iwasmoving on. I could feel it happening, and that was the part that had me so screwed up. It all sounded great in theory, but the reality was far messier. Every time Beckett’s hand took mine I felt hope flicker to life, but all I really wanted was to snuff it out before it got big enough to hurt me.
Because Beckett was… God, he was this beautiful, intense, unshakable force with hypnotic eyes and a mouth that could ruin my entire life if I let it. And he wasn’t even mine. Not really. Not the way everyone inside thought he was.
The door opened behind me, and I stiffened before I could stop myself.
“Relax, it’s just me,” Rome said. “I think your man would dropkick Peter before letting him come out here.”
“Break over already?”
“Nah, we’ll give everyone enough time to get a little drunker before the next round.”
“Sounds dangerous.”
“Or incredibly entertaining.”
He came to stand beside me at the railing, following my gaze and letting the cold night air settle between us. For a long time he was silent, which tipped me off that my brother had an ulterior motive; he just wasn’t diving into it yet.
“Shouldn’t someone with such a hot new boyfriend look a hell of a lot happier right now?”
“And there it is.”
“What? I waited a full minute. Practically a saint over here.”
“No one would accuseyouof saintly behavior,” I said, side-eyeing him. “You’re wasting your breath, though. I’m fine.”
“Riiight. That was almost convincing. Wanna try again?”
“Not really.”
“Cool, then I’ll talk.”
“Or you could just stare at the moon with me.”
Rome ignored that. “Look, I’m not gonna do the whole brother lecture thing, because Hudson has that covered and also because I’m too young and hot to give off dad energy?—”
“More like insufferable energy.”
