Page 110 of Heartsmashed
“What if I can’t get past it?”
“You’re giving a bunch of what-ifs right now,” Mom said. “But if you can’t get past it, then you’ll know. But you don’t know yet.”
She was right. They both were. Ididn’tknow. But I did know the room felt wrong without him in it. I knew seeing him at the ceremony had hurt because I’d wanted him near me, not because I wanted him gone. Hell, I knew Peter was across the room and I barely cared, while Beckett was probably packing his bags and my heart was trying to claw its way out of my chest.
“I need to find him,” I said.
Mama leaned in and kissed my cheek. “Go, sweetheart.”
Mom nodded and shot me a good-luck wink, and I headed for the nearest door before I could talk myself out of it.
I didn’t know what would happen when I walked out those doors, if I would even find him or if he’d already left. But I did know one thing: Beckett may not have been the man I hired, but he was the man I wanted to find.
32
BECKETT
THE MUSIC FROM the reception drifted faintly across the grounds, where I stood at the fence of the stables, my arms resting on the rail. I’d rolled up the sleeves of my dress shirt and loosened my tie, not all that appropriately dressed for the location, but it didn’t matter to me whether I got dirt on my shoes.
Duchess was staring at me—more like glaring at me—from where she stood a few feet away getting saddled up for a ride. Not for me, thank God, and she was probably grateful for that too.
She was swishing her tail, and I knew that was directed at me. It felt like her way of showing her disapproval, and I could only nod.
“I get it,” I said. “I don’t like me much either right now.”
The groom saddling her glanced over at me, following my gaze to Duchess’s tail. “She does have strong opinions.”
“Oh, I learned that firsthand.”
“She’s actually one of our sweeter girls.”
I held back a snort as Duchess shook her head like she didn’t believe that any more than I did.
The groom patted her neck and went back to checking her straps, and I glanced over at the trail again, trying to quiet the restlessness I was feeling.
I hadn’t left, but it wasn’t right to crash the reception either. I was stuck in a holding pattern, not even sure if I was welcome, fighting my instincts by trying to respect Sawyer’s wishes and then worrying I was doing it the wrong way.
Footsteps slowed on the gravel behind me, and I felt an awareness at the back of my neck. I straightened, knowing before I turned around who had found me.
Sawyer stood at the edge of the stable yard in his tux, one hand in his pocket, the other nervously brushing through his windblown hair. His boutonniere sat a little crooked on the lapel of his jacket, like he’d left the reception in a hurry.
His gaze traveled past me to Duchess. “If you’re planning to run away on her, I don’t think you’ll get far.”
The groom coughed like he was hiding a laugh, and I glanced behind me at Duchess, who was still watching me.
“Actually, she and I have agreed we’re better at a distance,” I said.
Then I realized how those words might sound and hoped Sawyer wouldn’t agree that he and I were the same.
I turned back to him, unable to help the way my gaze ran over his body, checking for hints of how he was feeling. His shoulders were tight, but his eyes kept coming back to mine no matter how many times he tried to look away. That gave me a little hope, though I didn’t trust it yet.
“I didn’t know if you were already gone,” he said.
I shook my head. “No.”
“Good. Or not good. I don’t know. I’m still deciding.”
“I understand. I’ll wait while you do.”
