Page 106 of Heartsmashed
Turned out I didn’t have to wonder about that long, because when the photographer had finished with initial photos, Sawyer walked in my direction. His hands were in his pockets and he wasn’t looking at me—yet—but his brothers were, ready to step in if needed.
Fuck, I suddenly felt like Peter, and that made me sick to my stomach.
Sawyer stopped in front of me, lifting his head, and I could see the strain around his eyes. “Hey. You came.”
“You asked me to.”
He bit his lip, nodding as he looked down at his feet and silence stretched between us. It was strange to be surrounded by laughter and the clinking of champagne glasses.
“You looked happy up there,” I said. “With them.”
“I was.” His eyes shifted toward where Catherine and Lily were wrapped up in each other and smiling for the photographer by the lake. “I am.”
“I’m glad.”
He nodded, still not looking at me, and another long silence fell. There’d been a time when Sawyer had filled silences with nervous rambling, or when he’d finally become comfortable enough with me to justbe. Now it felt like I’d forced him to slam a door I’d opened.
I took a breath, not wanting to say what I needed to, but this wasn’t for me. It was for him. “Sawyer, I know you need space. I’m going to give you that.”
His eyes came back to mine.
“I don’t belong here right now,” I said, keeping my voice low. “Not like this and after what I’ve done. I’m going to go back to the cabin, pack my things, and call a car.”
I thought I’d see relief on his face and in the set of his shoulders, but something like panic flashed and then disappeared.
Had I imagined that?
“You’re leaving?” he asked.
“I think it’s the right thing to do.” And it was past time for me to do the right thing.
Sawyer’s lips thinned out and he nodded once. “Right.”
“I don’t want to make today harder for you.”
“Sure.” He looked away again, and when he spoke, his voice was so quiet I could barely make out his words. “I didn’t say I wanted you gone.”
Well, no. He hadn’t. But wanting and needing were not the same thing, and I had blurred enough lines for both of us.
“I know,” I said. “But I don’t want you to have to be here with me when you should be with your family.”
Sawyer’s eyes went a bit glassy before he blinked a few times. “Yeah. I should.”
I wanted to touch him. God, I wanted to. Wanted to pull him into my arms and beg him to forgive me and hold him as long as he’d let me.
Instead, I fought everything in me and put my hands in my pockets.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “For all of it.”
“I know.”
We stared at each other, and I wondered if he could see the regret I felt, how much it was going to physically pain me to walk away from him.
But that was selfish. Saying it out loud would be more selfish. Asking him not to let this be the end wasn’t fair to him, and I’d done enough.
I forced myself to turn and walk away. Everyone was still celebrating, and hopefully that meant, with me gone, Sawyer would be able to do the same. His brothers would make sure he was okay, of that at least I was positive.
I just wanted it to be me.
