Page 104 of Heartsmashed
I looked down, smoothing the front of my shirt. “I keep thinking about all the times he’s been there for me this week. He was so good about looking after me and checking in and giving me space exactly when I needed it. I just don’t think I could’ve gotten through all this without him. No, IknowI couldn’t have.” My ribs ached every time I breathed, but that felt less about betrayal and more like something was missing. “He lied, but…he didn’t push or make me feel used. He made me feel like I’m worth something.”
“That matters,” Hudson said.
“Does it matter enough, though?”
“We can’t answer that for you.”
“Well, can you make an exception?”
“How about my words of wisdom instead?” Rome said, throwing his arm around my shoulders. “You don’t have to decide right this second to forgive him, Saw. You’re allowed to be pissed off and still like him. Or miss him and not want him too close.”
“To know he hurt you and still know he was good to you,” Hudson said.
My eyes burned again, and I looked away from the mirror, because if I watched them or my own face for too much longer, I was going to lose it.
“I hate this,” I said.
“I know,” Hudson said.
“I hate that I miss him.”
“Seems inconvenient.”
“Extremely.”
“But not stupid,” Rome added.
I let out a breath, and the tightness in my chest eased a little. Maybe not the embarrassment part, but the anger and the hurt. Maybe I hadn’t been stupid. Maybe I’d wanted something real so badly that I’d jumped at the chance for it before realizing I didn’t have all the facts. That didn’t make me stupid, though—that made me human.
Somehow that was both better andsuperfreakin’ annoying.
I finished getting dressed, making sure I looked the part of the supportive son who wasn’t having an emotional breakdown. Rome stepped in front of me to fix my boutonniere, then patted my chest.
“There,” he said. “Devastated but devastating.”
I managed a small smile, or at least tried for one. The hurt was still there, lodged deep, and I knew the second I saw Beckett it would probably twist all over again, but my brothers had given me something else to hold on to.
The time to the ceremony drew close, and as I followed Hudson to the door, he paused and glanced over his shoulder. “One more thing.”
I braced myself for what he was about to say.
“If you want him gone, just say the word.”
“That goes for your trash ex too,” Rome said. “I’ve been wanting to see him dumpster-dive all week.”
I probablyshould’velet them deal with Peter that way, but Beckett? I tried to picture his leaving. There wouldn’t be any awkward glances during the ceremony or my feeling his blue eyes on me while I stood up there. And while it should’ve felt easier that way, it didn’t. At all.
“No,” I said, shaking my head. “I don’t know what I want from him, but I don’t want him gone.”
There. That was the messy, terribly inconvenient truth all laid out, and my brothers didn’t look at all surprised about it.
Taking in a deep breath, I followed Hudson out into the hallway, where the faint sound of music drifted over from the pavilion. The ceremony was about to start, which meant Beckett was out there, probably feeling pretty damn guilty and wishing he were anywhere else now.
His lie had hurt like hell, but the man underneath it?
God help me…I still wanted him.
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