Page 49 of The Last to Know
CJ turns to look at her, to try and read her face. Her voice, after all, is giving her no clues as to how that makes her feel.
‘Are you worried?’ CJ asks.
Ash shakes her head. ‘No. I don’t even think I want to go back to that job. I think …’
She doesn’t say what she thinks, just sighs. They’re still holding hands.
‘What do you think?’ CJ pushes. She feels herself hold her breath, leaning in towards Ash, waiting to see what she might come out with next. This isn’t CJ. CJ is a leader, not a follower. She sets the tone, she doesn’t try to decipher it. And yet, no matter what she tells herself about Ash, she is here, willingly, happily, leaning into her friend and trying to understand how she’s feeling because, on some level, what she hopes Ash will say is,CJ, do you think this, you and me, do you think it could be something?And CJ will say,I think we’d be stupid not try, and then they’d kiss, and it would be just them, on purpose, not some silly game to entertain themselves or titillate Luis, and it would be everything.
‘I have enough money to take a break, to not work for a while,’ Ash says. ‘I could stay here, even, although I’m not really sure what I’d do.’
CJ’s heart thuds even faster, harder. Can Ash tell?
‘I could go to Bali, maybe, or India. Australia.’
‘The world is your oyster,’ CJ says, and if it sounds empty it’s because she’s disappointed. Ash doesn’t want to stay here, she just doesn’t feel great about going home. Who would, after experiencing the Lisbon way of doing things? ‘Although,’ CJ adds, ‘of course, nobody wants to return to work after a holiday. You’ve probably just forgotten how much you enjoy your life back in Bristol.’
‘Maybe,’ says Ash, sounding just as hollow. ‘I mean, probably not, but I see what you mean.’
CJ couldn’t say who drops whose hand, but they part, step back, look vaguely over in Luis’s direction, where he’s drinking beer and flirting with other CoLab girls, and theydon’t shift to join them all. Instead, they flop to the sand, legs touching.
‘Anyway,’ Ash says. ‘I don’t feel afraid. I was a very afraid person when I got here, and it’s you, and your influence, that has made me braver. So, thank you.’
‘I think you’ve always been brave,’ says CJ. ‘Heart on your sleeve, unafraid of your big feelings.’
‘I don’t know. You’re the brave one. Making your own rules. Living on your own terms. Forever being so … unruffled.’
‘I wasn’t unruffled at Luis’s party.’
‘No,’ Ash says. ‘But I didn’t want to pry. It didn’t seem fair.’
‘That’s kind,’ says CJ, and alarm bells ring in her mind: Ash knows. Ash knows how CJ feels about her. This is awful. Her throat constricts, palms sweat.
Ash knocks her shoulder into CJ’s. ‘Do you want to hang out when we get back?’ she asks. ‘Can we, I mean. I’m starting to feel the ticking of the clock, and with me taking a week with Willow in Porto – urm, actually, I don’t think I’ve told you that. I’m meeting Willow in Porto for a week – time feels even shorter. I’d love to make the most of it, make some plans together? I really value you, CJ. You’ve made me better. I know you hate compliments, and your favourite hobby is like, batting them away or whatever, but I need you to hear it. You’ve changed me. I am so, so grateful. You make me feel safe. It’s safe to be myself with you, but you challenge me, too, to examine my values and then act accordingly. That feels special. I just need you to know that. You make me feel like it might just all end up OK.’
And CJ finds herself nodding, looking at Ash’s lips, the outline of her impeccable nose in the sunlight, her heart aching, thumping for attention dramatically. How ironic, that CJ can make Ash feel safe, and CJ feels the exact opposite of safe with Ash. Ash is not safe. CJ has to remember that. Ash could really hurt her. Ashwillreally hurt her. This is inevitable. And yet, even though she’s willing herself to make an excuse, to spend no further time with Ash to make the separation easier, when it comes, to give herself space to start to forget Ash already, CJ smiles, looks from the ocean to the woman who makes her so fucking nervous and unsettled, and she says, ‘Yes, babe. Let’s do that. Let’s spend as much time together as we can. You’ve changed me, too. I can’t remember what it was like to ever not be your friend, actually.’
‘Are we like, best friends?’ Ash says, in a stupid American accent. It defuses the moment.
‘Totally,’ CJ says.
And then, despite the fact they really should go and join the others now, they don’t. They sit, and twilight sets in, and they talk about their lives and what they should do before Ash leaves the country, and nobody comes to get them.
26
Ash
The new best friends continue to do all the things normal new best friends do, all the time, every hour of every day, no big deal. It makes Ash happy. Really, really happy. She’s singing in the shower, humming to herself walking for a coffee, feels lighter in her body, her spirit, herself. She’s stopped trying to put it into words because the true peace she feels, the unshakeable understanding that for once in her life she is in exactly the right place and doing exactly the right thing, is beyond words. It’s inexplicable. All she can verbalise is that Lisbon suits her. Perhaps it really is as simple as that: environments affect us, where we live and what we eat and who we pass the time with, and in Lisbon Ash has found a combination that really works for her. In two months she’s unrecognisable to herself. Her brain has slowed. Things feel less urgent. She wakes up naturally, walks around the city, reads, sends postcards home to her nieces and nephews and parents whilst continuing to ignore the family text thread since they continue to ignore Ash’s existence in Lisbon. She revisits museums and galleries to see her favourite pieces again, andslowly continues visualising a life different to the one she told herself she wanted, each new piece coming into focus like a developing Polaroid. Now she doesn’t have to be good, Ash can attend to the business of being content.
‘Jorge, look! Look at the sharks!’ says CJ, pointing above their heads. ‘Whoa!’
It’s a Sunday afternoon and they’re at Oceanário de Lisboa – Lisbon’s aquarium. Voted the best aquarium in the world, it’s one of the biggest in Europe, designed to stun and awe its attendees into reconnecting with the magic beneath the surface of the sea. Ash, CJ and Jorge have seen puffins, sea otters, rays, Magellanic penguins, and an abundance of sharks and corals. It’s been incredibly calming, wandering through the oversized tanks that arch over and above them so that the marine life is visible from every angle. Like being in a church, even if you don’t believe in God: the magnitude of it, the sheer scale, inspires wonderment, and wonderment is best observed in whispers.
‘Mamãe, I just love them,’ Jorge says, his hand slipping into CJ’s, Ash walking beside them.
She’s spent a bit of time with Jorge, now, and has come to be genuinely fond of him. He’s curious and interested, and Ash finds it makes her more aware of things. But she’s been able to parse through how it feels to be with him too: is it possible to enjoy a small child’s company without also wanting a small child for herself? It turns out that it is. If Ash decides not to be a mother, she can still have children in her life. There is no binary. Being a woman who is ‘good’ with children has made her takeit for granted that she should have her own, but why is that the rule? Can’t she be good with children without having her own? If it feels like this, then surely it can’t be wrong to at least consider taking this path.
The trio pause in front of a sign sayingSandbar Sharkas several of the sleek grey fish glide through the water past their faces. Ash can’t get over their beady little eyes and tight downward-curving mouths, but Jorge is mesmerised. CJ stands with her hands on his shoulders as he presses his nose up against the glass.
