Page 30 of Just in Time
They wrapped Ben’s gifts together after letting Ben put the dinosaur on the tree. Despite asking German not to buy anything, there were already gifts for him and Ben under the tree. He had no doubt German had done something amazing for him. Blaze needed German to have the best Christmas ever. Christmas had always been Blaze’s favorite holiday. While he could buy himself anything he wanted, it was nice to be surprised by something he didn’t know he needed. It would be odd not to go to his parents. Their fake holiday cheer came with spiked eggnog and whiskey pie. For nostalgia’s sake, he felt a small twinge of guilt. But then Blaze recalled Ben’s face when Blaze told him about Santa, and he thought back to every family gathering since Ben had been born. Not once had Ben smiled or joined in. He had sat in the corner alone, hugging whatever item he liked the most at the time. They were doing what was right.Sometimes, a little pain came with change. The rest of the family would be fine without them. Of course, Blaze had sent money to all the kids and conveniently forgot the adults. An evil smile pulled at his lips every time he thought about it. He bet they missed this homo now that them checks didn’t come.
“Do we want to wrap the gift from Santa or just put a bow on it? I bought his stocking stuffers already, since he only eats certain things. I’ve been getting small delivery orders and hiding them before Ben could see.”
Blaze watched German juggle wrapping paper and stocking stuffers. “Let’s just put a bow on it. If he gets up in the middle of the night to sneak a peek, then he does.”
A bright smile lit German’s face. “I hope he does. That’s something every kid should have at least one memory of doing.”
“Did you do that when you were little?” Blaze sat on the bed and waited for German’s answer.
“Of course, didn’t you? Curtis used to sneak into my bedroom, and we’d try to stay awake until after we were certain Santa had come. Then we’d try not to giggle as we ninja moved through the house to see what he brought.”
God, Blaze loved German’s smile. “You don’t talk about Curtis as much as you should. It’s okay to keep his memory alive.”
German didn’t look up from putting a bow on the airplane with pedals they had bought Ben. He could sit inside and pedal away,riding his plane trike around the house. Blaze could already picture it.
“It hurts too much to talk about him. Plus, I can’t even begin to describe the rage living inside of me. It’s not healthy.” He finally looked up, and Blaze couldn’t look away. German looked uncomfortable—like he had shown a piece of himself he didn’t want anyone to see. Blaze knew it was the worst timing in the world, but he had already upset German.
“She’s going to want him back, you know?”
A fake smile exploded across German’s face. “As she should. She’s his mother.”
“I’m not as sure.”
German scowled. “About what?”
“I don’t think he should go back.”
German went completely still, as if he feared making a single motion that might give his thoughts away.
Blaze kept going. “I know Dara. She’s my sister and I love her, but this is a battle she’s fought for a long time. It’s a fight she’s lost more times than I can count. I don’t think Ben should go home with her when she leaves rehab.”
German opened his mouth.
Blaze had no idea if he intended to argue, but Blaze shut him down anyway. “Just hear me out. You’ve only had Ben for going on a month, and he’s like a different kid. You only saw him a few times before he came here. There hasn’t been time for you to see what I have. Every birthday. Every holiday. That’s not the same kid. What’ll happen to that progress when he goes back?”
German’s shoulders fell. “I don’t know.”
Blaze didn’t know why he kept pushing. “But you’ve thought about it, haven’t you?”
“It doesn’t matter what I think. The right thing to do is return custody to Dara if she’s clean.”
The image of Ben’s face when Blaze gave him kisses at the store ran through his head. “Is it? With Dara’s track record, she’ll never live on her own. He’ll be right back with my mom always taking care of him. What if she does make it on her own and she ODs again? Will they find Ben ambling around the house two weeks later, nonverbal and just living with her body? Fuck.” Blaze ran his hand through his hair. He heard himself. It was Dara. They had been inseparable as kids. Blaze had watched her compete, and she had cheered on his every failing garage band. He loved her. The problem was, she didn’t love herself, and she obviously hadn’t loved Ben enough to break through her addictions. Blaze couldn’t fix her, but they could save her son. Still, and once again, he heard himself. He sounded like a terrible person to his own ears.
“Forget I said anything. Just ignore me. I don’t know what I’m saying.”
He stared at his feet.
German disappeared and reappeared a few times, hauling all the gifts to the family room. Finally, the bed sank at Blaze’s side. German grabbed his hand and squeezed.
He took a deep breath that sounded shaky. “I’ve had all the same thoughts you’re having. Every time, I just end up back at the beginning and tell myself I’ll know what to do when we cross that bridge. I just honest to God don’t know what the right thing is. She trusted me when I signed that paperwork. I promised to return custody to her. What kind of person am I if I take a kid away from his mom? What type of guy returns a kid to a place they know isn’t best for them? I don’t know the answers.” He heard German swallow. “I don’t want to fail him the way I did Curtis.”
That yanked Blaze out of his self-doubt. “You were a kid. What power did you have to change the situation? You were helpless against a set of adults who shut you out. There’s nothing you could’ve done.”
A sad smile touched German’s lips. “I’m feeling that same way now. Just helpless in the face of so much. But I’m so fucking grateful to have you with me this time. You’re right. We should get married sooner rather than later.” He winced. “I think we’ll likely get screwed out of a honeymoon, though. Ben might not do well traveling or staying with a babysitter. Plus, who could weleave him with, anyhow? Your mom lives on the opposite side of the country and can’t be trusted to give him back. I don’t know, but I can’t marry you fast enough. You just own me.”
Blaze’s chest felt full. He had no idea what it was about German that had taken him from absolutely no strings to begging to be locked down in no time. “Same. I love you.”
Love poured from German’s expression. “I love you too.”
