Page 115 of Godbound
“I got it the last time the Bleeding Moon appeared,” I say quietly. “Fourteen years ago. My mother… she was sent to Rust Hollow of Viele when I was little. But she found a way to escape the walls of the encampments. She did it to steal food and bring it back to the starving women, but that wasn’t all. Every night, she’d climb the walls of our manor, slipping into my room, spinning stories about why the sun didn’t like her. ‘It only lets me come at night,’ she’d say. And I believed her.” A sad smile tugs at my lips, the memory bittersweet. “I was so little… I didn’t know better. My father didn’t take her betrayal well,” I continue, each word heavier than the last. “He drank. And when he’d had enough, he’d lash out at whoever was nearby. I learned to stay away when I heard that first cork pop.”
I swallow, the burn in my eyes a painful reminder of the wounds I’ve hidden so carefully. I hesitate, questioning the wisdom of sharing this with Kaelzar of all people. But then I find myself continuing the story I’ve only ever shared with Eva, drawn out by the steady, intent silence he offers me. I can see the flicker of rage in his eyes at what he already senses is coming, held carefully in check.
“I missed her so much that on the morning of my seventh birthday, I thought… maybe I was old enough to ask him to take me to see her.” My voice cracks, but I press on, the words spilling out like water breaching a dam. “I went to his study, and I saw the bottle, half-empty. I should have known better, but….”
I break off, my throat tight, the memory raw.
“He had his back turned to me. I thought it would be safe to ask if I didn’t have to look him in the eyes. I said I wanted to go to Rust Hollow as my birthday present. Before I could finish, he turned and threw his glass. He aimed for the wall, I think. But I still remember the shatter, the burn of the liquor in my eyes, the way my vision blurred with blood. And then… he grabbed me.”
Kaelzar shifts, and when our eyes meet, the sunshine catches something murderous in his gaze, a fury held together by a fraying thread. But a moment later, it’s gone, buried beneath the practiced calm of his posture.
Taking a deep breath, I continue. “He shoved me into an empty cabinet in his study. Called me an unworthy spawn, said I was a child of a… of a whore.”
My voice falls to a whisper, each word carrying the weight of years of silence. “I stayed in that cabinet even as my body ached, even as I soiled myself, even as my stomach felt like it was being carved open from hunger. I stayed there until the servants found me the next day.They told me I was safe, that I was okay. But I knew I wasn’t.”
I pause, biting my lips to stop them from trembling. A gentle touch brushes against my cheek, swiping away a tear. I look up, to find Kaelzar is beside me, standing close, his face softer than I’ve ever seen it.
For a moment, he’s utterly still.
“I’m sorry,” he murmurs, his voice barely above a whisper. “I’m sorry you ever felt unworthy. You’re strong, Raylane, braver than anyone I’ve ever met. And if I ever have the chance to meet your father, I’ll make him beg for your forgiveness on his knees.”
His thumb runs over the scar on my brow, the touch light, reverent.
A weak, trembling breath escapes me, and somehow, a smile finds its way to my lips. “That would be a sight to behold.”
His gaze doesn’t falter, stormy eyes locked onto mine with an intensity that makes my heart ache in a way I hadn’t expected. I feel seen, truly seen.
The layers I’ve wrapped around myself fall away under the weight of his regard. But then he steps back, clearing his throat, retreating into himself.
“Did you see her again?” His voice carries a cautious softness, like he’s afraid of what my answer might be.
A breath shudders through me. I nod slowly. “She came the next day.”
The aching memory crashes over me. “I was still so hurt. I’d spent the day convincing myself maybe Father had a reason to be that cruel. Maybe she wasn’t a good person after all.”
I force the words out, though they scrape raw. “So when she came to see me, I told her I was embarrassed of her. That I wished she wasn’t my mother. That she should never come back.”
The image flickers behind my eyes, her face, the tears streaking down it. I look away.
“She didn’t argue or try to explain herself. She just turned around, told me she loved me and left.”
A long silence wraps around us.
“She never came back.”
The ache sharpens, hollow and deep. “Some days, I wondered ifI was wrong to throw those words in her face. Other days, when my father lost his temper again, I told myself I did the right thing. That she’d abandoned me anyway.”
My fingers tighten into fists. “For years, I tried to believe she wasn’t worth wondering about. That I should be a better daughter to my father instead. But nothing I ever did made him forgive me for being her child.”
I swallow, throat thick. “When I turned fifteen, I met Ryker….”
Disquiet burns through me at the feel of his name on my lips with Kaelzar so close. I shift slightly, putting a little more space between us, my gaze falling to my lap.
He doesn’t speak, but it only makes the knot in my chest twist tighter.
“I’ve lived with the royal family ever since,” I murmur. “And the longer I was away from my father the clearer things became. I started to wonder. Maybe my mother had her reasons. Maybe I was now brave enough to look for her.”
Another breath rattles my chest, this one jagged.
