Page 142 of City of Snakes
“Here.” El plucked a handkerchief from her wardrobe and handed it to me. She sat beside me. “What happened? If you tell me that Krait is the reason you’re crying, then I will go castrate him right now. Prophecy-blessed seed be damned.”
“He isn’t. Well, not entirely. I honestly have no idea why I’m crying. This is ridiculous.”
Elsedora’s posture softened, and she secured the tie of her robe. “It does not make your emotions any less worth feeling if you don’t know where they’re coming from.”
Somehow, that brought me comfort.
No one had ever told me it was okay to justfeel.I’d spent so much time under a facade of strength, holding myself together. Now every loose seam had unraveled at once—my body ached, my mind was fatigued, and my feelings were wounded.
“There are so many unknowns. I don’t know what’s right or wrong, or up or down. What if I’m not strong enough to keep Caym from overrunning the realms? What if we can’t save Emmerick? What if Ican’tconceive as the prophecy requires? It isn’t always easy—many women struggle. What if Ihave an heir with that insufferable man and still fail to be the mother our child needs? What if I do deserve the same fate my mother received? What if I’ve—”
“Woah, woah, woah.” Elsedora placed her hands on my shoulders. I couldn’t find the energy to be embarrassed by the amount of snot I was blowing into her handkerchief. “Slow down and breathe. I’m afraid if your head spins any faster with what-ifs, then it may very well fall off. Have you talked with Krait about any of this?”
“No. That would be pointless,” I said, letting out a laugh at her suggestion. “It could all fall apart. All go up in flames just like that.” I snapped my fingers.
Elsedora hummed and nodded. “It could,” she plainly said. “But it won’t. Because even if everything goes up in flames, there are no two people better suited to fight through the fire together than you two. Stop carrying all that weight alone...It will all happen as it will.”
I drew in my first deep breath since waking up and nodded. Not because I believed her, but because no single answer to my many what-ifs would have prevented any of our fates.
“What happened, Sybilla?”
For the next few minutes, I confided in her about my and Krait’s time in the library, our bickering and our reconciliation. When I finally told her about that dreadful list I’d discovered in Krait’s drawer, her lips pursed.
“That man is his own worst enemy. He doesn’t mean those words. He’s spent so long alone that he’s just trying to find reasons to continue that course. I’ll talk to him.”
Shaking my head, I answered, “Please don’t. It isn’t worth the breath.” I cleared my throat, desperately wanting to ignore the tears still streaking down my cheeks. “I truly am sorry that I interrupted.”
El smirked and waved her hand. “Ah, it wasn’t so great anyway.”
“Thatis a lie.”
Elsedora winked. “It is, but I am trying to make you feel better, not worse.”
I laughed and asked, “How do you separate the physical from the emotional? You…have other partners, no?”
Elsedora shrugged, but her face fell slightly. “Don’t mistake promiscuity for heartlessness. My mother and father were Source Matched—so sickeningly in love. I always longed forthat as a girl. That feeling in your soul that connects you with another. Even with no Source in my veins, sometimes I still wonder if that match exists in other ways. So I throw myself at every opportunity for affection, thinking, maybe, someday, someone will surprise me.”
“That is…self-aware.”
Elsedora chuckled. “It took me a couple of centuries to figure out what I was doing. Everyone always considers Fen the hopeless romantic and me the impulsive one, but romanticism may be a family trait, I fear.”
“And is Ryn the one?” It intrigued me to think of Elsedora’s airy and light personality as a coping mechanism.
She shook her head. “I don’t imagine so. But he has known me nearly my whole life. I trust him. He’s my dearest friend, and he would never betray me. That may need to be enough.”
“Bullshit.”
Elsedora laughed. “Oh, now you are suddenly a romantic?”
“No—but if you are, you deserve nothing short of a fairytale. And I don’t think for a minute that you’ll settle for ‘enough.’”
She nodded and said, “Maybe you should take a dose of your own tonics on that one.”
While annoying to admit, I knew she was right. I’d put up so many obstacles between my heart and others that even those closest to me never truly understood what I desired.
Not even Emmerick, and he’d spent over a decade protecting me.
Elsedora pursed her lips with a soft, narrowed gaze and nodded before squeezing my hand.
