Page 9 of Gabriel
After seeing how hard they took my first attempt, I don’t have it in me to tell them. Not now. Probably not ever. I don’t think any of us can handle that conversation.
If I try again to end it all, I have to make it to the other side. None of us can deal with this emotional rollercoaster again. The doctors. The therapists. The worry and uncertainty. I sure as hell can’t.
I tug on the strap of my messenger bag and turn the corner, heading for my first class of the day. It’s been a month, and yeah, I know I said it already, but reminding myself I’ve made it an entire month makes surviving the day seem a little more possible.
It’s time to pretend everything is back to normal, which means going back to school and acting like I give a shit about my classes.
Pretending I still want to get a degree in public relations and marketing. That I want to make something of myself. Maybe help Dad on future campaigns. Who the hell knows.
My head is down, my chestnut-colored hair creating a curtain around my face that hides me from the sea of bodies all around me. I try not to think about everyone here. The people I don’t know. The guys who walk past me who are bigger and stronger than I am.
I suck in a breath. Come on Cecilia. You’re doing great. I remind myself I’m safe. There aren’t any bedrooms around for people to drag me into. There isn’t any loud music to cover up my cries for help.
I’m so busy staring at my feet and talking myself down as I make my way to class that I run smack dab into a hard, unyielding body.
“Sorry.” The apology falls from my lips before I even realize who it is I’ve run into. But as soon as I do, it’s like a bucket of ice water is poured over me.
Austin Holt stands before me, an annoyed look on his face before our eyes meet and recognition flares in his gaze.
This is the boy who lives to haunt my nightmares.
I stumble back, but he catches my shoulders in a firm grip, taking a step closer and leering down at me. I freeze, my entire body locking in place as I wait to see what he’s going to do.
I glance from side to side, desperate for someone to step in, but everyone around us goes about their business, ignorant of the panic that squeezes my chest.
“Hey, CeCe,” Austin says, keeping his tone even, like we’re old friends.
A slow smile spreads across his face, but it isn’t a nice one. His smile is twisted and cruel. A mask that hides how sick and depraved he really is. I can’t believe I never saw it before. There was a time when I actually found him attractive. Between his blue eyes and sandy blonde hair, Austin has that whole American Eagle model vibe going for him.
But what I missed before was how empty his eyes are. The color is so striking. A clear blue that would be beautiful on anyone else. But when you stare into them, you realize that his eyes are dead. Flat. Lifeless. They say a person’s eyes are the portal into their soul, but if you ask me, Austin Holt doesn’t have one.
“Let me pass,” I bite out.
I can’t show any sign of weakness in front of him. I know what he’s capable of. My shoulders are tight and my hands tremble but I hide them in my pockets, refusing to let him see how much he unnerves me.
“Heard you tried to kill yourself,” he says, not moving out of my way.
His gaze travels up and down my body like he’s undressing me with his gaze. It makes my skin crawl, but I hold myself still as he looks his fill before his eyes settle on my wrists. The long sleeves of my sweater hide the scars we both know are there, but I tug them down further anyway.
“Obviously, you didn’t try hard enough.” He makes a tsking sound. “Better luck next time.”
I swallow hard, shrinking in on myself before I remember I can’t let him get to me.
“Move,” I try again, adding a bite to my voice. I edge around him but he sidesteps, blocking my way.
"You're keeping your mouth shut like we agreed, right babe?" I ignore the endearment and manage a nod, keeping my lips pressed together so I don’t scream.
I tried to get help after what he did to me. I went to the school board and told them everything that happened that night. Gave them the names of everyone involved.
It was a mistake. One I won’t make again.
"Good. Wouldn't want that video to get out. Imagine what dear old Dad would think?"
It’s all I’ve thought about. It’s why I later tried to kill myself.
People say there is a light at the end of every tunnel, you just have to look hard enough. But all I see at the end of mine is never-ending darkness. If that video gets out, it will ruin me. Ruin my family. Dad is up for re- election, and his daughter being gangbanged is a scandal he can’t afford.
I haven’t seen all of it and there isn’t a single part of me that wants to. Austin sent me a clip and then his parents played parts of it for the board when I came forward. Proof of their son’s innocence, they claimed.
