Page 84 of Gabriel
“Fuck.” He doesn’t know what to do with himself and paces the narrow space between the bleachers. “Lay it out for me. What happened? What did I do?”
I hate that he blames himself. This isn’t his fault. We just… “We’re not good for each other. Not now.” Maybe later. Some time in the future when I’m strong again. No longer in need of saving.
He jerks to a stop and stabs a finger toward me. “Stop lying.”
“I’m not.”
He huffs out a breath, his chest rising and falling at a rapid clip. He looks like he’s battling with himself. Struggling to figure out what to do next. I can see the wheels in his head spinning. Gabriel wants to fix this. Just like he wants to fix me. But he needs to realize he can’t.
I am not his burden to bear.
Tugging the sleeves of my hoodie down, I fold my chilled hands across my chest and tuck them under my arms. “I’m not trying to hurt you,” I tell him. “This will never work, Gabriel. Not now at least.”
He shakes his head, expression locking down. “I don’t believe you,” he tells me, but I hear the defeat in his voice. Because a part of him does. A part of him knows that no matter how much we care for each other, this isn’t healthy for either of us. I can’t be his absolution. Saving me doesn’t bring his brother back. It doesn’t replace everything he’s lost. And being with him allows me to ignore my own trauma. The things that were done to me. He’s my crutch.
I need to know I can walk on my own two feet without him. That I’m strong enough to face Austin on my own should I have to.
I can’t be with Gabriel and constantly worry he only wants me because I’m broken and in need of saving.
If we stay together, if we work through this right now, I will always wonder. That doubt will be there, lingering in the recesses of my mind, and it will fester until it can no longer be ignored. Until it destroys what we have and by then, it’ll be too late to recover.
We need time to work on ourselves. To become who we’re meant to be, outside of one another. We won’t stand a chance until then.
“Calling me a liar doesn’t change things. You can’t force me to be in a relationship with you. I’m asking you to respect my decision. To give me space.”
He rubs the back of his neck and grimaces. Without looking at me, he asks, “Why are you lying to me? To yourself? The least you can do is give me the fucking truth if you’re going to call shit off and blindside me like this.”
A single tear slips past my defenses and I swipe it away, not answering him.
“This is bullshit.” He stabs a finger at the ground between us. “I know I fucked up. I didn’t protect you from Holt?—”
“I don’t want your protection!”
His eyes plead with me to help him understand, but I can’t. I don’t know what else there is to say.
Gabriel reaches for me, but when he sees me tense up, he draws his hand back, dropping it to his side. “You need to give me something here. Because I can’t accept this bullshit, baby. Give me something.”
“I can’t.”
His nostrils flare. “So this is it? You’re pushing me away?”
“I’m not pushing you away?— “
“The fuck you’re not, Cecilia.”
“That’s not what I’m doing. You’re not listening?— “
“I heard you loud and clear. You don’t want me to look out for you. You don’t want me to go after Holt and the others who hurt you, but I’m going to level with you here, since you’re not willing to do the same for me.” He waits until I meet his gaze. “I love you.”
My heart stutters in my chest, and I look away.
“I love you so much that hearing you say you want to do your own thing, that you don’t want to be with me anymore, it fucking guts me. Even though I know you’re lying to my face.” I open my mouth to argue, but he doesn’t give me the chance to. “And that, that shit hurts, too. We don’t lie to each other.” He scrubs a hand over his face, frustration coiling his body tight. “I want all your truths. The good and the bad. The beautiful, the ugly, and even your twisted broken truths. Everything you have to offer. Because I’m a greedy bastard and you aremine.”
“Gabriel— “
“You’re delusional if you think pushing me away helps either of us.” He doesn’t wait for me to respond. “I was a mess before you. After Carlos’s death, I compartmentalized my shit and faked it as best I could. I was dead inside. But you…” He sucks in a breath. “Cecilia, you make me feel, and yeah, sometimes feelings hurt. I won’t pretend they don’t. But I see the way you look at me. Even now. The idea of us not being together isn’t any more appealing to you than it is to me.
Whatever is going on in that head of yours, spell it out for me. We can get through it. I know we can.”
