Page 57 of Wicked Savage Cruel
They’re going to look at me and touch me. I’ve seen the movies. There will be pictures. Doctors will see me without my clothes. I’ll be exposed. I can’t I just. I can’t.
Janessa takes a step closer and saves me from my panic. “We don’t need to worry about that today.”
I give her a tear-filled, half-hearted smile. “We don’t?”
She shakes her head. “No, sweetheart. We don’t.”
Relief sweeps through me before reality sets in. “But…if we don’t, how will they find him? How will…” I trail off. Because they have to find him, right? He can’t get away with this. He’ll do it again. What if he finds me again? He said he would come back if…
She places a tentative hand on my arm and I stiffen and jerk away from her.
There’s an apology in her gaze as she asks, “Allie, were you drinking this evening?”
I swallow past the lump in my throat and answer honestly with a nod. “But I wasn’t drunk. I didn’t even have one whole drink.” I remember that Kasey snuck mini liquor bottles into the game. She'd given me one. I only took a sip. Drank maybe half of it before I got the call from Julio. “I—”
“I know, honey. I know. But youweredrinking and you’re a minor. You don’t know who did this and since you think he used a condom, there won’t be any semen to use to find him, if he is even in the system.”
I stare at her. Stunned. Is she… no.No.
“You’re a young girl. You’re beautiful and smart and you have your whole life ahead of you. But this, this could ruin you. This could ruin your father.”
My father. That’s what this was really about.
“If Ulrich interferes in our deals again, I’ll be happy to make another visit…”
Cold dread consumes me. He’s going to stay out there. He’s going to get away with this. Because of Gerald. Because of my dad.
No. No.No.That’s not right. He’ll find me. If Gerald messes up again. I don’t even know what he did. Why the man came after me. But I do know deep down in the marrow of my bones that he’ll do it again and I have no way of knowing. No way of protecting myself because I don’t even know what he looks like.
I shake my head. No.No!I can’t breathe.
Janessa cups my cheeks as tears fall freely down my face now. “Allie. If we do a rape kit this goes on record. There’s no taking it back. You’ll be questioned. You’ll be blamed. It’s not right. This wasn’t your fault. None of it was your fault. You need to believe that.” Her eyes glass over and I want to shove away from her because how dare she look at me like that. I was the one raped. I was the one who had something taken away from them. Me. Not her. She has no right to act like this hurts her. It only hurts me.
“I know you’re dealing with a lot. I know this is a lot to take in, but I need you to see how this looks on paper. You were drinking while underage. You were dressed provocatively.” I think back to what I’d been wearing. The ripped jeans and crop top hadn’t seemed provocative at the time. It was our big rival game. Everyone dressed up. My stomach had been painted with a red devil and a number 4. It was Roman’s number. So many other students had done something similar. But … was she right? It was a lot of skin, wasn’t it? My entire midriff had been showing.
Oh God.
“Honey, even if they find this guy, if they press charges, his lawyer is going to drag you through the mud. They’ll tarnish your name. Your reputation. And this trauma will consume your life for six months or more. You’ll have to tell a courtroom full of people what happened. Every single detail over and over. The defending attorney will twist your words and turn the blame on you. They’ll make you relive what happened in the hopes that you slip up. That you make a mistake in your story.”
She thumbs my tears away and I bite back a scream as I digest her words because she’s right. I know she’s right. But it feels wrong. He shouldn’t be free. He shouldn’t get away with this.
“They won’t find enough evidence to find who did this. If he didn’t use a condom, if they had his…his fluids, it still might not be enough evidence to convict. I don’t want that for you.”
I shudder and turn away from her. I choke back my sobs and straighten my spine, letting everything she says sink in and settle deep in my bones.Come on, Allie. Be strong. Don’t fold now. You’ve been through too much. You cannot fold now.
“He did this because of my dad,” I tell her, because I have to tell someone.Her eyes widen in shock but I don’t give her a chance to respond. “When he…” I pause before forcing the word out. “After herapedme, he told me why. He said Dad fucked up some deal of his.” Another deep shudder as I repeat the message he gave me. She gasps in response.
Then I push the next words out of my mouth uncaring of how broken and bitter I sound. I’m allowed to feel bitter.
“But you’re still right. It doesn’t matter because he was smart and I didn’t see him. I was raped because of my own father—because of my father'sbusiness—and it doesn’t even matter.”
Silence.
I reach for the bag again and move toward the attached bathroom to get dressed. When I brush past her I barely make out her words but they’re there, hanging in the air between us. “I’m so sorry, Allie.”
Yeah. I was too. But sorry wasn’t going to change a damn thing.
I catch my reflection in the mirror before jerking away as I strip down, trying to bottle up all my emotions. The urge to shower is strong. I want any traces of him scrubbed off my skin. When I first got here the nurse told me I had to wait. How important it was that I not shower or even wash my hands until they have a chance to gather theirevidence.But that doesn’t matter anymore. I turn on the sink, waiting until steam rises from the faucet. I pump a large amount of hand soap into my hands and begin washing. I get lost in the motions, making sure I scrub my hands up to my forearms until my skin is coated in a white foaming lather. The water is scalding when I shove my hands beneath it but I don’t care. I force myself to rinse the soap off leaving my hands and forearms beneath the spray until they’re pink and angry. I’ve endured worse.
