Page 60 of Wicked Savage Cruel
Janessa starts to say something else but I can’t listen to her anymore. I’m losing myself to my memories. I want her to go away. I need to go back to sleep. It’s the only place I feel safe anymore. Childishly I cover my ears. “Please,” I whisper. “Go away.”
* * *
Time passesfrom one day to the next, even when it feels impossible. Even when it seems like I’m losing myself with each passing hour. Each passing minute. I don’t understand how the sun manages to rise each day when I can barely open my eyes to greet it.
I lose count of how many days go by.
Some days Janessa comes to try and get me to come downstairs. Some days she doesn’t. I manage to drink the bottled water she brings me. On occasion the tea. But I rarely touch the food. The few times I’ve tried have resulted in me bent over my toilet heaving whatever I consumed right back out. My body doesn’t feel like it’s mine anymore. I know this isn’t normal. I know I need help. But I can’t find the energy or want to ask for it. I’m numb and I’m afraid to be anything else but numb.
Roman doesn’t message me. Neither does Emilio. Dominique reached out once asking me if something happened. If I was okay. But I didn’t respond. What could I say?
I wake to the sound of heated voices in the hallway outside my bedroom door. Rubbing the sleep from my eyes I try and muster interest in what they’re saying. I stare at the closed door, pulling my covers tighter around myself as if that’s enough to keep me warm. But it’s not. All I feel is a bone-aching chill. It never leaves.
“She needs more time.”
“She doesn’t need time. There’s nothing wrong with her and she’s done nothing but sleep. It’s been nearly a week—”
“What else would you have her do? The girl is traumatized.”
“She needs to get over it.”
I don’t hear what they say next. I look at the clock on my bedside table. It’s just after seven in the morning.
I take a deep breath.
I’m okay.
I will get through this.
You’re strong, Allie. You’re strong like Mom.
I take another deep, shuddering breath and force back a fresh wave of tears.Why am I crying?
“You’re strong like Mom,” I whisper to myself. I wipe my tears away and make myself get out of bed. I’m numb. I can be numb and move. I can be numb and do things. Go places. Right? Maybe.
Mom died. My boyfriend cheated. My boyfriend dumped me. My best girlfriend turned her back on me. I lost my home. I had to go to a new school in a new town. My dad never has time for me. I was ra…
I force myself to finish the thought.
I wasraped.
I’d been through so much in such a short amount of time. But it was done. Over. Finished. All of it had already happened. I’d push forward.One day at a time, Allie. You can do this.
Numb. So fucking numb.
Janessa’s voice rises again. There’s mention of a therapist.
I don’t know what Gerald says in response but I can tell by Janessa’s tone that she doesn’t agree.
That’s okay.
I’m okay.
Or at least, I will be. Time heals all wounds, right? That’s what all the inspirational quotes and memes on social media say.
The day I arrived in Sun Valley I told myself all I needed to do was survive this year, graduate, and then I could go home.
That is still the plan. I can go home. Things will be better once I’m back in Richland. There won't be a school full of people who hate me. There won't be bad men lurking around corners, hurting me to get to my dad. I will be safe. I just have to survive here a little bit longer.
