Page 177 of Mortal Love
“Now, there’s a good man out there who loves you more than anything, so I’m going to head back and give you two time alone,” she said.
“Take care of him?” I wrote. She nodded with a big smile.
“I’ll invite Jared to every Christmas and Thanksgiving, and I’ll check on him often…if you see Danny up there, punch him in the nuts for me,” she said sarcastically.
“lol, I will,” I wrote.
She kissed my cheek and whispered, “I love you, Lila—goodbye, my sister.”
“Until next time,” I wrote.
“Yeah,” she said with a smile, “until next time.” Then she stood up and wobbled to the door. She looked back at me before exiting and gave me one last twitchy, farewell smile.
I saw Jared’s large silhouette filling the doorway. His eyes were red and puffy, the skin under his nose was red, his facial hair had a couple of days of growth on it.
He hugged Hannah goodbye and sat at my bedside. I tapped the mattress beside me.
He looked at me with confusion. “I’m a big man, baby, there isn’t enough room for us both in there,” he said apologetically.
I tapped the mattress with more emphasis. “Alright, my love, you win,” he said lovingly.
He slowly sat me up and slid his leg behind me, then gently lifted me onto him, and reclined us back into the bed. His arms wrapped around me like a warm blanket, and I had never felt so safe, so loved. I was going to miss the way he smelled, like fresh rain and leather. I was going to miss the way my hand fits in his, and how my head fits perfectly in the dip between his shoulder and pectoral muscle.
We lay this way for hours, talking about the highlights of our life together to the best of my ability. I mostly listened and occasionally wrote a comment or a question on the pad.
He pulled out his phone, and we went through the years of pictures stored in the cloud. Pictures of when we first met, our first home, our first dog who passed away last year, and all the holidays, trips, and birthdays where we took life for granted, unaware of the illness that would forever change our lives and ultimately, end mine.
We nodded off together, the even rhythm of his breathing bringing me so much peace that combined with the warmth of his body I couldn’t help but fall asleep. When I woke up in his embrace I decided that it was time. I needed to hurry and let him go or I may never do so out of selfishness.
I wrote on the pad and tapped his hand to wake him.
“What is it, what’s wrong?” he said alarmed. I handed him the pad.
“I’m ready,” I wrote.
His bottom lip quivered and he squeezed his eyes shut for several moments. He took a staggering breath and nodded as he began to cry. He pushed the orange call button on my bed. Nurse June appeared within minutes.
“She says…it’s time,” he told her with shaken breath. She nodded and exited.
He stroked the back of my hand. “How am I supposed to say goodbye to you?” he whispered into the curve of my neck, his warm breath comforting me with every exhale.
I shook my head the best that I could and pointed to what I had written to Hannah. “Until next time.”
“Fuck,” he said exasperated, wiping his tears. “I sure hope there is a next time. I’m going to miss you every day I wake up, and every night I go to bed without you. I’m going to miss your cold feet under my legs at night, and your smell on my hoodies you steal. I’m going to miss waking up to find you drooling on your pillow and kissing you goodbye. My life is just going to be so damn empty without you, my love.”
Then I wrote, “Love again—please—be happy.” He shook his head. His voiced cracked.
“I can’t—there’s no way—there’s only you,” he choked on the words with emotion.
A knock sounded at the door and Nurse June and Doctor McNall walked in with heavy, sympathetic faces.
“Are you ready, Delilah?” the doctor asked softly.
I nodded “yes.”
“I’m going to have Nurse June sedate you, and then we will turn off the ventilator. You will just slip away into a painless sleep.”
Jared’s arms held me close to his chest. His strong warm hands held mine. If there ever was a perfect way to die, this would be it, held by a man I truly didn’t deserve.
My husband sucked in a staccato breath and his entire body trembled with deep sorrow.
“Are you ready, Mrs. Raye?” the doctor asked. For a final time, I nodded yes.
The nurse injected the heavy sedative into my I.V. My body instantly relaxed, and for once I felt no pain in the mortal realm. My eyelids became heavy and my vision drifted into blackness, and the last words I heard were from the love of my life.
“Goodbye, my love—you will always be my dream girl.”
Then I woke, and found myself, in a familiar forest…
