Page 158 of Range
She nodded.
“I do. I did even then. And, though I’ve never said this aloud -I don’t recall- I did wait. And the wait was excruciating. Sometimes I thought he’d never come. Other times, when I looked in CJ’s eyes, I knew he had no choice. Because he’d never let another man raise his daughter. Chemistry would never let another man find comfort in my home. We’d know no peace. So, since no one else could do it. He had to. That meant him coming home to us. It didn’t matter how.”
“Did you feel any guilt for his incarceration?”
“Immense guilt. I still do. That day, I tried dismissing myself from the case. My superiors were expecting it. They knew I’d fallen for Chemistry. And they knew I’d compromise their case if they made me aware of their plans. They knew I would warnhim. And they knew I’d likely run very far with him. He had the resources. It was no secret.”
“Would you?”
“Have left everything behind and run with him?”
“Yes?”
“In a heartbeat, Range. Most might look at the circumstances and paint an awful picture of me, but I was only doing my job. Beyond the badge, I was human. And, my human heart fell so damn violently in love with Chemistry that I knew if they took him away, I would cry myself an ocean.
“I would never forgive myself. And, I would never repair from the damage. I was suicidal when it all happened. I couldn’t live with what I’d done. It was Jru’s life that kept mine intact. And, it was the idea of hurting Chemistry any more than I already had that kept me from pulling the trigger several nights. He’d lost his freedom. He’d lost his father.
“He’d lost precious time during the pregnancy of his first child. He’d lost enough. I couldn’t burden him with that pain, too.”
“Sometimes I feel foolish, you know? For falling for Josiah. But, in the same breath, I feel favored.”
“Your feelings aren’t invalid. Foolishness or favor. That’s love, sometimes, Range. It’s the same love I have for Chemistry. I don’t wake up all smiles, even in paradise. Sometimes I wonder if giving up everything was the right choice. Or if I was being foolish. But, just as quickly, I think of life without him. Without our children. Without St. Catana. And, truthfully, I’d be miserable. I’d be a mess. Chemistry loves me. He loves me wholly. Not part of me. Not parts of me. So, I know that I’m favored, foolishly or not. Can you say the same about Josiah?”
“Well,” I sighed, kissing the skin of my teeth. “We barely have a few months in.”
“I barely had any time with Chemistry before this all happened. Time isn’t a measurement of love. Neither is closeness or blood or any of those things the world wants you to believe factors into the equation. There are couples who have been together for four decades or more and have nothing but history between them.
“There’s no love. Just tolerance and familiarity and the fear of disrupting their comfort. Their homes are silent. Their minds are cluttered. They’re numb. Don’t feel a thing. Don’t see a thing. Don’t hear a thing. So, never let time determine where you should be in any relationship. I hardly knew your brother for a full two hours before I’d claimed him and allowed him to claim me as his forever.
“No matter the circumstances. And when the time came to prove just how unconditional his love was for me, he didn’t hesitate to do so. No matter what anyone else thought. No matter what anyone else said. No matter how anyone else felt.”
I digested Egypt’s words as the waves played in the background. Each time I opened my mouth to speak, I was bombarded with emotions. The good kind. The necessary kind to remember who I was and that I didn’t choose with only my heart. I chose with my head, too.
Nothing more needed to be said. Egypt had simplified what I believed to be a complicated situation. It wasn’t. I’d seen it play out right before my eyes. So had Chem.
Two weeks in St.Catana felt too much like two days. It was brimming with life. Responsibilities were few and far apart. Simplicity was the way of this sacred world. I admired how uncomplicated things were here.
When the plane boarded four weeks ago, and my sisters piled on, I decided against joining them. There was nothing for me in the States. Not right now. My caseload had been cleared before coming. My clients’ cases wouldn’t resume until fall. By then, I’d be well-rested, yet still preparing to rest when my children arrived.
I stood in the oversized mirror, brushing my hair upward in an attempt to create a ponytail. My efforts felt pointless. It didn’t matter how many times I got the wrapper around my tresses; I wasn’t satisfied with the outcome.
“Forget it,” I sighed, dropping the brush onto the floor.
Still, I didn’t abandon the mirror. The reflection of my tanned skin was astonishing. It held my interest. So did my growing belly. The weeks felt like days in St. Catana. Slow days. Quiet days. Calm days.
“Hey–” Rugger’s voice was low, barely noticeable.
But I knew it. I knew it by heart. I’d never forget it either. Though her words were few and far apart, her love was plentiful. It was evident. It was heartening.
“Hey.”
“I’ve put your laundry away. Lunch is in the fridge. I’ll be back for dinner to walk you down. Is there anything else you need?”
“For you to go home to your family.”
I turned to find her standing in the doorway, eyes pinned against me.
“Clinging to me feels weird, yeah?”
